I was doing some cleaning today when I stumbled across my diary from when I was 23. Yeah I kept a diary then, I was going through some dum ass crap and writing has always been a form of therapy for me. I laughed, mostly because twenty three for me was a month of Sundays ago (isn’t that how
young old some of you are now?) but also at little things like how much my handwriting has improved since working in the education sector.
I wrote some seriously cringe worthy stuff of on there. Do you know that song; Gangster’s Paradise? There’s a line in it that goes, “I’m 23 but will I live to see 24?” And I chose to use it to describe my state of mind at the time. If you’re still wondering, I made it, by God’s grace to 31 lol.
I look at my sister in law sometimes, she’s 23, and ponder at how different I was at that age. I am not implying she is trouble free but mashallah she has a spring in her step as one should at that age. I, on the other hand, was carrying the world on my shoulders and allowing it to crush me. I had no capacity for self love let alone being able to extend that love to another.
There’s a quote in The Perks of Being a Wallflower that goes something like; we accept the love we think we deserve and I have, over the years, accepted some poor quality love from a bunch of people; friends. family potential love interests thinking that that was all ai deserved. Which is not okay.
I know this now.
But, I wish I knew it when some family kept putting me down about trivial things like skin colour and weight and I allowed it to happen like it was justified. Or when friends walked over me believing that I would let it pass because of how good natured and non confrontational I was. Or from men that wanted to marry me, but didn’t, but half asked me as a final resort and eventually when they did it was cold and clinical, devoid of feeling or sentiment like a coversation with the vet. And all that did was make me feel like that was all I deserved.
But I deserved more.
And what’s more is I deserve more than someone telling me “you deserve better than this.”
If I deserve better why ain’t you giving it to me?
Long story short the diary reminded me of blog which is like an online journal for me lets face it.
This verbal diarrhea sesh was sponsored by 1am and the fact that I have work in 7 hours.
I may delete this in the morning.
For now my eyes are drifring…