Sunshine Blogger Award

So I got nominated for this award by The Rock in the River – how about that for an awesome blog name. Thank yaaaa. It has been a while actually since anyone’s nominated me, maybe because everyone’s tired of me not responding, not following the rules and not nominating anyone… in my defence Thari already nominated FIVE of the people I was thinking of so… let us not overwhelm the masses.

Anyway, I’m having a majorly painful morning. So perhaps this is just the distraction I need. The questions I was given were as follows;

1. What was your first thought today? – This pain. I can’t. Where my ibuprofen at?

2. What do you eat when you’re upset? – Carbs predominantly. It’s not even sweets anymore. Savoury carbs. 

3. How do you react to a situation you dont like? – I cry. I sit in my car for ages just thinking until I drive myself insane. If I’m in a good place spiritually I’ll pray the pain away. Basically, the last thing I’ll do is go to someone and tell them. Very, very rarely will I lean on someone’s shoulder and if I do, it means that I’ve reached breaking point and that was my last cry for help.

4. Who is the one person you can talk to about anything? – A stranger. Though this changes a lot to be honest and depends on who is in my life at that moment in time. Not many people in my life are permanent.

5. Would you class yourself as a positive or a negative person? – Listen yeah. I’m a realist. And if that makes me negative then it is what it is and that.

6. Would you be hypocritically nice or savagely mean to a person you do not like but have to see everyday? If the person in question was unbearable? – Hmm, I see avoiding them is not an option. Hypocritically nice I guess, I’m too polite for my own good. If someone stabbed me in the back I’d probably apologise for bleeding all over their floor. Ugh.

7. What do you like about trees? – Not much. I honestly think I’m allergic to greenery. I broke out into a rash a few times when I spent sometime near trees and grass and what not. I tend to avoid trees if I can. Cherryblossom trees are nice to look at though.

8. What do you think about the colour blood red? – Makes for a nice hijab.

9. What is your favourite kind of tea? – Desi Chai which Baba is making me as we speak bless him. I like green tea too.

10. Would you rather be a scientist or the heir of a mysterious millionaire? – The latter if it means I get those millions. Besides, I hate science.

11. Who would you be if you could be anyone? Not an existing person, but someone you would want to be? – Someone financially secure who can buy their family a house, make sure they are taken care off before disappearing into thin air… to travel the world with her camera and a notebook. Alternatively, someone who writes and takes photos for a living.

Conversation snippets between me and da Mandem

With Ma

Me: Here’s the plan, Ima save up, quit my job and live in India for 3 months.
Ma: No.
Me: Yes, I’m 30, I decide.
Ma: No.
Me: Good talk, Ma.

With Little Sis

Me: Why didn’t you tell me you had a crush? You can talk to me.
Her: *indignant* you don’t tell me who you like!!
Me: Because I don’t like anyone right now.
Her: Didi, that’s kind of sad, you’re 30.
Me: You’re grounded for having a crush.

With (pious) Friend

Me: Someone told me I was the most Halal person they know, can you imag…
Her: *snort*
Me: Did you just laugh?
Her: Tam, come ON.

With same Friend

Me: *post Focus high* I feel like kissing Will Smith would be like tasting the rainbow.
Friend: What was that about being halal?

With 6 year old cousin

Her: Tam, you’re very small, your legs are only five fingers long. Look 1,2,3…
Me: *genuinely alarmed* Wait what? I demand a recount. Get back here!

With Self

Me: *takes DNA Ancestry test to confirm Indian roots she is oh so proud of*
Also Me: Fam, wtf is in this curry, fire?!

With Random person 1

Them: Can I call you?
Me: Sorry don’t do phone calls.
Them: Sure I can’t convince you?
Me: Never. I’m very stubborn.
*3 days later – Ring, ring*

With Random Person 2

Them: Tam you’re so funny. How are you still single?
Me: I don’t even know fam, this Dunya’s too peak, I’m so hilarious, I make myself laugh.

On Tam being a Flirt
(Read: alleged flirt)

Coy Waiter: I know you wanted us to play Happy Birthday when we bring the cake out but the music system is not working so you might have to sing it instead?
Me: I mean, I’ll sing if you sing with me?
Ma: Tam, would you like your father and I to move to another table whilst you harass the too young for you waiter?
Me: What I do?!

***

Random waiter trying coax customers into his restaurant addresses me as I walk past;
Him: Come here, I want to tell you something.
Me: If you wanna tell me something, you come to me.
Friend: Tam, please.
Me: ??!?!?!

***

Me to cashier: Wait, I don’t think you scanned this item.
Him: Ah, how is she so honest? Impressive.
Me: I teach my kids that honesty is always rewarded. So, she takes this one for free, yes? As a reward?
Him: I’ll do her one better, she can have it on him.
Glaring Friend: Wow.
Me: *shamed into silence*

Salt bae and other shit I’ve thought about lately

Salt bae because I was in the waiting room of my GP surgery with like 30 minutes to kill. So naturally, I started to think about salt bae. Maybe because I subconciously want to kill him. It infuriates me when people become famous for daft shit. But I suppose good on him. Successful businesses and he is apparently, despite being wasteful with salt, a nice guy.

Random, but when Inside out came out, I got messages all week long from people telling me that the character of  Sadness reminded them of me; “she talks like you, she even looks like you Tam!” I can confirm that I do indeed look like sadness. I mean I don’t wear glasses anymore and my hair’s longer but the rest of it is uncanny. Naturally, when I watched it, she was my favourite character and miserable though she was, she sort of saved the day.

The opticians want to charge me £50 for a check up. Like. Why? I’ve got half a mind to cancel my appointment now. Honestly, sometimes I think getting laser eye surgery was the stupidest decision I ever made. 

My allergies to people are getting out of hand. I have so much to say to some but it all falls under the category of inappropriate social conduct. I’ll say it here where they can’t see but at least it will get it off my chest; “take your weird non friendship and shove it where the sun doesn’t shine and do let the door hit you on your way out. And I am sorry I gave you the time of the day and please tell me how I can get rid of you now.”

Do I buy a house or do I travel my ass off? Assuming I have the balls to quit my job that is.

The best person to talk to (for me) will always be a stranger and yet, we really shouldn’t talk to strangers. 

My teenage sister has a crush. Talk to her mum said. Be gentle she said. Your brother will kill whoever she likes she said. “Look babe, just like him from a distance, yeah?” I said. Read: don’t hold his hand, don’t be alone in a room with him and don’t believe a word he says.

“Tam… I like your eyes, they sparkle and shit,” is probably the best compliment I have ever gotten. What does that say about the people I surround myself with?

When will I deactivate all social media accounts? Because it is crucial that I do.

I miss msn. Anyone remember msn? I feel like everyone I know these days was born before the Lion King came out.

My intense dislike of talking on the phone continues. My friend rang me this morning and I bit her head off for giving me anxiety before I even started the day.

Must plan something to do for Easter. Two weeks of emptiness is not what I need right now.

If I am angry or just spaced out on chat, I tend to use a lot of full stops. Apparently. Only two people I know have picked up on this and now I can never lie and say I am fine. They clock it straight away.

I applied for a job a few years ago now in a school back in the motherland. I got it. Then a month before I was due to start the school got bombed basically. Or parts of it did. I never know what to make of this.

Saturday’s thought catalogue

I dreamt that I fell off a bridge last night. But naturally, and in keeping with reality, no one came to save me.

I’m starting to notice that working where I do means that I now hate the phrase “Good Morning” I say it that.many.friggin.times. Like even in the afternoon I say Good Morning.

Sleepovers at my Grandmother’s are a hillarious affair. (Halal) Haribos and Karan Arjun in the backround. Me perving over SRK and her not discouraging this behaviour… #NaniGoals.

I need to invest in some thermal socks or some shit. My feet are giving out on me slowly but surely. 

For someone who loves to stay silent, I’m actually a conversation junkie. Like, I need an intervention. Seriously.

Tiger Shroff annoys me. A lot. Too feminine for words. He’s more feminine than the girl’s he is trying to score with.

My love for Amplifier (the song) has reignited. I will never forget when I put it on and my aunty said that being in my car at that moment was the same as sitting next to a 16 year old Pakistani cruising on Eid.

I think the room I slept in last night was haunted. I was woken up at 3:00am by some very strange noises. You know when fear just immobilises you? That happened. I did think about texting someone. The 1st person I thought of though doesn’t even live in the country. Let alone the same house. The mind works in mysterious ways.

Sitting in a dark room during the day is like therapy for me. I know it depresses some people to be in the dark (my mother!) but me, I find it so soothing.

There’s a chapter in the book I am currently reading called; I only want you when it is 2am. And it’s kind of perfect.

I miss writing essays. I always enjoyed it. Well, until that time my lecturer told me I was an emotional writer and that it was a negative thing. Git.

I wonder if I will ever take my medicines like I’m supposed to and not just tell my doctor I took them like he can’t tell from my blood test results.

Why are chairs so high these days? My feet don’t touch the floor on 9/10 of the chairs I sit on.

I will never get over the fact that I am the only young person in my family that doesn’t need subtitles when we watch a Bollywood film.

I wonder if I will ever go to India. 

I need someone to take me for a drive. Like now. A long one. At sunset. Where they can drive and I could just close my eyes and feel.

Going to the cinema is EFFORT these days. I must be getting old you know. I used to love going back in the day.

And on that note. I should probably get out of bed. Though my head is pounding and my throat’s on fire.

Ugh.

Insomniatic Rambles – Je suis malade…

…a song that depicts my emotional state of mind perfectly right now. That performance in particular, from 3:05 onwards especially. I have no words. Which is more than I can say for the idiot I showed this to who decided to go; “but… why is she shouting though?”

…which brings me to ramble number two. The bigger the age gap the less in common you seem to have with people these days. Not always but I notice it a lot more than I used to.

Am I ever gonna read the “Single AF” book I got for my birthday… because it looks like it could be interesting…

Social media – when’s the right time to just cease all activity? Because that time will definitely come for me. The question is when?

Will my struggles to sleep ever just piss off? It is 1:00am right now… seriously.

Will I always have the same job? 

Will I always be irritable?

Are those my eyelids surrendering to slee…

5 whatsapp quirks

…that will really make you hate me if I am on your contact list. I am someone who hates talking on the phone. I’m not sure why. I feel awkward so… I rely heavily on instant messaging and voice notes much to the annoyance of my friends. This makes me a whatsapp addict. However, tam wouldn’t be tam without a few quirks here and there now would she? Aight so here goes;

1. I don’t open the videos you send me. I’m sorry, I really am. But I can’t tolerate loading them, opening them then wondering the relevance of why you sent them to me specifically. So unless you attach a message saying; “tam remember that thing we were talking about? Here’s what I meant” or something to that effect, I am unlikely to open them.

2. Which brings me to my next quirk; I can’t deal with forwards. So, if you forward me a chain message, I do not read it. ESPECAILLY the ones that start with “Very Important!!!!” because it almost never is.

3. If you send me a photo of a frog on a lilypad bidding me Good Morning and a photo of a puppy wishing me Good Night… what is your life please? And why are you flooding my storage? 

4. Don’t add me to groups I beg you. I will either a) leave them or b) mute them. I can only function one to one.

5. If you see my message but don’t reply within 48 hours, I may or may not blacklist you for a few days. There I said it. 

What I said to my brother on his Birthday vs. What I actually wanted to say

Happy Birthday 

vs.

Bro…when we were younger I remember you used to be like my shadow. This used to annoy me, a lot. I didn’t want you around me all the time. I wanted friends. I had no interest in hanging out with my brother. You were this annoying little thing addicted to cars and (toy) guns and of all things 7Up. Everywhere I went, I had to take you with me because it was “only fair” mum used to say. That’s how I became the only girl that took her little brother to every birthday party she was invited to. It sucked. Partly because this gave me no chance to showcase my non-school personality to my friends. But mostly because you always stole my thunder with your utter cuteness. You were a crowd pleaser from a young age you little shit lol. That hasn’t changed today.

We did have good times despite the ridiculous age gap between us though. Remember how we used to stay up until 5:00am watching shitty tv? Rebellion. We were so excited every night that we stayed up an hour longer it seemed like we were never going to accomplish anything bigger than that.

And whilst we’re still on memory lane. Remember how you split my head open with the steel bar holding the wheels of your toy car together? I’ve never seen so much blood in my life.

One of my earliest memories of your younger years though is how kind you used to be. Anytime someone used to buy you something you would always ask them where my share was. Regardless of whether or not they even knew who I was. You used to come crying to me when mum wasn’t around. 

And then of course there was the phase whereby you kept telling people you were going to live with me because you didn’t want to get married and leave me.

Fast forward a few years and I have no idea who you are. I hardly ever see you. The extended curfews I pleaded for on your behalf from mum, so you could hang out with the boys, like all other guys your age have come back to bite me in the ass big time. I never see you anymore. You got older and bigger and became a force to be reckoned with.

Ironically, it is now me that wants to spend time with you but you’re the one too busy making friends and wanting as little as possible to do with family. You have built too many doors around you and I have lost the way trying to find you, let alone find the key to any of them.

I can’t find you because you don’t want to be found so I have given up which is why I have been so cold with you lately, if you’re wondering or if you’ve noticed even.

Anyway another year comes along with me wishing you good health, some wealth lest a lot of it go to your ginormous head. Good days and a lot of guidance from God to keep you on the straight path which you constantly stray from. And here’s hoping that we are not headed for an ice berg of a cliché whereby we find each other again only when it is too late. Be good.

Tam x