I’ve been telling a friend of mine that I hate how sensitive I am as a person. And when I say sensitive. I mean to the core.
I don’t watch the news because graphic scenes of any nature have the power to mess my day up entirely. I will think about nothing else for the whole day. It will stop me being productive. I will feel naseous and take it to bed with me. I can’t just let these things go.
Mind you, if it sounds like I am blowing my own trumpet, I assure I am not. Being sensitive and caring has been quite a burdensome experience in my life thus far.
Simply put; I care too much.
If I see an owner mistreat their dog, I will Google all the numbers for animal protection and try and get it rescued. And the joke is; I hate dogs.
When I saw a dead cat on the road last Ramadan, I couldn’t drive away. I picked it up and drove it to the animal shelter even though I was petrified of touching a dead animal. I sobbed the entire way that the staff at the shelter thought I ran the cat over and was feeling guilty about it, hence the hysterical crying. Because why would someone who just picked up the cat and do a good deed by getting it to the shelter for the right burrial process be this upset?
I incriminated myself in trying to do a good deed for God’s sake.
And this year… sigh.
I came across a pregnant stray cat like I said in my previous post. She belongs to no one so I felt responsible for her having fed her a few times… she gave birth in my uncle’s back garden.
So I have been going there every 4 hours to feed her. Simultaneously I have been ringing all sorts of charities and shelters trying to get her and her kittens rehomed and her neutered so she does not get pregnant again. I’m having no luck. All these charities are non Government funded so they have no time or money to pick up a healthy stray. Basically if she was covered in engine oil and was in danger they could come for her. Otherwise, they’re saying leave her to it…
If you’re bored reading that, think of how mundane and stressful it is to live it.
Sure I ride the wave of doing a good deed and feel a major high sometimes. But when the wave subsides I feel stupid.
This is not helped my by family saying things like; why don’t you help your sister revise for her exams instead of this nonesense (I do btw), why don’t you find a husband instead of this crap (this one made me laugh where am I supposed to find him, is there a man dukaan someone ain’t telling me about?), get a hobby (I agree with this one…), sponsor an orphan its more rewarding (I don’t mind if there was one around me that I knew of, I’m still not convinced with internet schemes), help humans not animals (the joke here is that I don’t even like animals, I just hate suffering) – so on and so forth.
I decided to rehome the kittens when they’re a little older and try and get their mum nuetered so she doesn’t get pregnant again. It took so long to come up with this plan – hours of brainstorming. Then my uncle threw a spanner in the works.
As he was the one who built a shelter for the cat to givr birth in, he offered the kittens to me. But when he knew my plan was to find them good homes, he said no no, I said you can have them, not give them to people, if you’re gonna do that just leave them with me, they will keep me company.
How do I explain to him that newborn kittens require A LOT of care and attention? Attention he can’t give because he works long hours and sleeps even more hours? He is stubborn and you can’t reason with him.
Kher I told him it was his choice and walked away deflated that my plan to rescue the buggers got punctured.
Last night I was like ya Allah why am I such a moron? Why can’t I let things go? Why am I losing sleep over this? Sensitivity is a disease. I told my friend the same. Then I was video hopping on YouTube and somehow came across a Tedx talk called:
The gentle power of highly sensitive people.
And in 15 minutes, I learnt that there are people like me out there. And that being sensitive is not only a thing, its an okay thing. Sometimes even a good thing.
I didn’t even look the video up. I wasn’t searching anything of the sort. I was listening to islamic lectures. It just came to me ya’know? I hope it was a reassuring message from God that I am not a freak of nature. And that the kitten sitch will resolve itself. Maybe my uncle will change his mind and let me rescue them. Someone said to me steal them and he will never prove it was you. And whilst in theory that would get me what I want…
…you guessed it, if I did that, I would not sleept at night for the guilt I’d feel.