First World Problems

…are what most of my problems actually are for which I am grateful; life could always be worse. I know that. Though sometimes I realise it too late.

– like being awake at silly o clock when I have work tomorrow morrow which fyi is the current sitch.

-I have by some miracle managed to remove a couple of obstacles out the way (some still remain) and it looks like I shall inshallah be going Turkey soon after all. This will be my 4th time? I think.

-I’m not sure if I wanna take my camera. The reasons for this are two fold. One; I have photographed it all a million times and cannot think of a new angle. Two; that thing’s heavy and I just wanna drain my brain of stress and not worry it with technical camera equipment difficulty.

-lowkey wish I had a better phone with a better camera rn but eh well.

-Also, kindda dreading going coz last time the locals were hella nasty to my cousins and I. Like Baristas being impatient with us, ferry staff refusing to sell us cheap tea (“Only for Turkish people, you can have expensive Lattes”) and old ladies on the bus telling us to shush coz we were giving them a headache. I learnt the hard way that unless you are in a touristic area where they want your buck and therefore have reason to be nice to you, some Turks are actually hella mean. Hope I don’t encounter any discriminatory a’holes this time coz I for one am not in the mood. At all.

-So the non dilemma remains. Take the camera or make do with crappy phone?

-I had more to say but my mind has gone blank… which I am sure you are saddened by. Not!

-It is 0° here tonight. It is freezing. The cold is dry and painful. Alamdulilah for the roof over my head and clothes on my back. May Allah help those who have to sleep out in these conditions with no where to turn to…

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Can we cancel today?

-I have the gift of getting ready in ample time in the morning. As someone who doesn’t put make up or put a lot of thought into their outfit or eat breakfast, I can afford to have an extra 15 / 20 minutes in bed in the morning which I would not swap for the world.

-That’s where I am now. I need to be at work in under an hour. But that’s where I am; bed. Its cosy and warm, the electric blanket is on and I don’t wanna leave this cocoon to go to work. Much like a child doesn’t want to go to school in the morning.

-When I was a kid and I was too sleepy in the morning to wake up, my mother would ask me if I had any tests that day and I would say no and she would begrudgingly tuck me back in and go to work. I miss that feeling of someone literally relieving you of your burdens and letting you sleep.

-Now I have to get up regardless of whether there is a test or not ugh. One of the reasons I want to publish my book is so it would make me a steady ish enough income that will give me the luxury of leaving work for a couple of years to travel and sleep. But obviously the satisfaction of seeing my hard work be rewarded is the main reason I want to do it.

-That being said, I may have to just make my peace with the fact that the book is shite hence why no one wants it. I got my umpteenth rejection last night;

Dear F,

Thank you so much for sending us your work. However, having considered it, I’m afraid that we don’t feel it’s right for our list.

I trust you’ll understand that the extremely high volume of submissions I receive means that we’re not able to give more detailed feedback.

-I don’t understand. But whatever. I do give up however. Its been too long. And I did say if I dont manage to find an agent by December then I will stop trying.

Tick Tock. Tick Tock. Its nearing the time where I have to get outta bed and my childish heart is begining to weep in protest. The fact that an icy car awaits me isn’t helping. It takes hella long to de-ice an old car. A friend of mine was complaining to me once that her husband did a crappy job de-icing her car and I thought at least he did it! Some of us have to freeze our child like hands doing it ourselves.

It’s me. I am some of us.

-My mum suggested we go to Turkey for Christmas break. I said yes initially but some commitments have come up since that are going to disallow me from going. This sucks. I haven’t left the country in too long but the timing for this trip happens to really suck.

-My 31st is coming up in a few weeks times.

-I’m 31 and like a child, I wanna be tucked back into my warm bed and be told today has been cancelled go back to sleep.

Not so great November

My finances have been awfully down lately. Which made me wonder something.

Employed young people; are you saving for a rainy day?

My mantra in my twenties with regards to finances was very much that money comes and goes. If you spend it now, you will get more in a couple of weeks so on and so forth. To some extent I still believe that. However…

I have reached an age where I am genuinely thinking: where the hell is all my money?

Living in Englistan means your wages go into your account at the end of the month and then immediately go out again in a matter of 2 days; mortgage, bills, tax, council tax, tv license, various insurances, car expenses. Not to forget food expenses, vet expenses, God-forbid-I-buy-clothes-or-something-I-fancy-once-in-a-blue-moon expenses.

I bought a mango for like £2.50 the other day and it tasted God awful. Or maybe it was 2 mangoes. Point is, I could probably get a box of like 6 ripe mangoes for less than that in India.

Everything is so expensive here and I am struggling to save. Big time.

I’ve talked about money to people who live in various places across the world coz I’m crass like that. Nah, it was just to compare living conditions etc. And I realised that bar one person, I got paid the most (bearing in mind I get paid peanuts), but I made the least amount of savings because of the SHEER expenses and how costly living here is compared to, say, a semi developed Arab country.

Someone told me their wages were along the £50 mark (a doctor in a third world country!) but they could still spend and save. Someone else told me £400 and they still have a decent amount to pocket away after taking care of bills and expenses.

It made me feel a bit shite and like a failiure ngl. I keep saying the duaa for rizq and entering radio competitions to win some money so I can retire for like a year. No such luck.

*moment of silence for tam*

Moral of the story; young people, save save save. A small amount at the end of each month. Don’t touch it. Open a savings account, have a small sum automatically transferred to your savings account every month and forget about it. If I did that when I was 23, I would have easily had a four figure sum sitting comfortably in my bank now and if I increased that amount steadily (and got married i.e. split the financial burden with another person) we could retire at 55.

Becuase ain’t nobody got time to work until 68 which btw is what I am currently looking at.

Someone once told me that her dad worked ALL his life and when he finally retired, he became seriously ill, sat on a wheelchair for a year then died. That, along with the fact that people who are dying are reported to say that they regret working too hard just makes me think…

I don’t want that for me, it would genuinely break my heart if that is all ny life amounted to be; work work work.

So, young people; save.

Marriage Rant

This rant is sponsored by 5:00am and is completely and utterly based on my own views inspired by the mess I see on a monthly basis. Therefore your experiences are unlikely to reflect mine please grasp this before reading on.

For someone who just prayed fajr, my chest feels kindda heavy and yuck. I just recieved some sad news. A friend of mine text me to say she got divorced. Her husband, well ex husband and her, have a little boy together. I am not even invovled in it but I am devestated for her and the kid. What about the husband you say? He’s actually a distant relative of mine. And yet my sympathies for him are limited. Because even if he is in the right, society is a lot more forgiving to men than women. He will bounce right back and be married by next year if not month. Her on the other hand?

A life time of being a mum and nothing but a mum. And though I am reassured that is a fulfiling path, I am also reliably informed that it’s a lonely one as well.

I don’t understand how it could have gone so wrong. They were a pious couple and everything.

People used to say marriage has no warrantee. No one knows how well it can thrive or how long it can last but if the couple is pious and know Allah then it can stand the test of time.

Well, even that theory has gone to hell now. Religious folk can’t make marriage work. Wasteman’s can’t. No one I know seems to know how to work this stupid institution. I have seen 6 divorces since January.

My mum says marriage is a watermelon. And it really is. You slice it open and only then do you know if it is red or rank inside. You can knock on its shell and look like an idiot as much as you like, there’s still no guarantee.

In my 30 years of life, I think I have only seen one couple that is “happily” married. 1 couple in 30 years. That’s a terrible ratio. I use the term happily for lack of a more comprehensive one. No one is always happy and I know that but these two come pretty close mashallah x1000.

They’re cousins as well. So if you hate on cousin marriages take that bitter pill and swallow it.

I have come across some pretty negligent women in my time whose marriages have failed for those reasons amongst failiures on the man’s part as well however…

Wallah and God is my witness when I say this, all the married men I know (bar one) on a personal level are cheats. Yes all of them.

Remember I am not claiming all men are cheats though God knows I am itching to. I am saying the ones I know on a personal level. Maybe 11 of them if we have to call a number.

And I have solid evidence on each one which is the only reason I can make this statement with conviction.

What kind of evidence, you say? I have had the misfortune of hearing someone on the phone for long enough to know they were cheating on their wife.

A man asked me to open his email to check for something once as he had no access to a laptop and there before my very eyes was a string of emails between him and a bunch of other women. My morals went out of the window and I read a few. I was 17. Sue me.

He was pretending he was single to five different women. Then I had to watch him act in love with his wife but even worse than this berate her for things like cooking and not maintaining a home.

I have seen men two time girls before my very eyes and boast about it. Texting the same text to both girls. Going to lunch with one and dinner with the other and moaning about eating too much food for that day.

Until one day I did a quick tally in my head and realised that I know more cheats than loyal men.

Isn’t that terrible?

This is why I have no little faith in men’s ability to stay loyal.

I think God made us, most women, in a way whereby we can only love one git at a time.

Men on the other hand? I have a theory that the reason they can have 4 wives is because their love is never exclusive to one woman; that they can love more than one person at a time. Which is just sad… and if you’re a man reading this wallah I have 0 interest on your input regarding the topic of 4 wives.

Yes, we all know you’re noble and want to save the widows of the ummah coz its sunnah. Clap, clap sit.

That being said. A cousin of mine with a perfectly good wife, who took him when he did not have a penny to his name, nor the passport of that country, recently after 10 years of marriage took another wife. Just because. Wife one still has no idea…

Cousin two, inspired by cousin one, wants to do the same. This one’s wife is a character and a half though. She will actually kill him in his sleep.

So, yes.

As you can see; I’m cynical. But I dare you to see what I saw and not be cynical about men and marriage.

This used to make me think I am never getting married coz men are x y z.

But now I am more realistic. I might get married coz a girl’s gotta eat tbh I am dictated by my emotions. But in my heart of hearts I’d probably have no little faith in him and won’t be surprised when if it all goes to hell.

And I would be semi prepared.

Because I also know a lot of women on a personal level, who have secret bank accounts that their husbands know nothing about just incase of abandonment, women who hide their passports, who have a domestic violence help line memorised, women who sleep with one eye open.

And I even know one psycho who has a tracking device on her husband’s phone so knows exactly where he is at all times and gets immense pleasure from watching him lie with conviction about where he was for the whole day whilst pretending to believe him.

You can sit and argue with me about self fulfiling prophecies and how if you think something will go wrong it probably will…

But 1 sound marriage in 30 years* is all I can say back to you.

*okay so clearly I didn’t see marriages at ages 1, 2 & 3 etc. so for tehnicality’s sake shall we say 1 good marriage in 15 years? Cool.

Disclaimers:

Yes not every marriage is like this.

Yes not every man is like this.

Yes there are 2 sides to every story.

Yes both parties can be wrong.

Yes women cheat as well.

Sunday night bane of my bloody life

-Its 2:09am so I guess it’s technically Monday morning.

-I should be asleep. I have work in like 5 hours. Ima be buggered tomorrow when I am floating in the corridors like a zombie. God help me.

-I was off work last week with an infection so it feels extra daunting to go back tomorrow. Ugh. Ima have to answer the question, “how come you didn’t come work last week?” like a 100 times and it gets so awkward man.

-These are all first world complaints I know, I am only blogging because I find I can usually sleep better after doing so.

-I need a break from work and not just sick days, I mean like a year off. I’m sick of it. I am bloody tired but I need the money so I am a prisoner. Why don’t you do what you love? I hear you ask. You’re not a tree if you’re unhappy move, I hear you yell. I love photography and writing; not easy careers to a) get into or b) make a steady income out of. No, I don’t love anything else.

-I knew a dude once who told me, “my wife wouldn’t have to work if she didn’t want to, that’s what I am there for, to provide.” And a part of me roared like how dare you assume she wouldn’t want to work you idiot grr, blah. But frankly, I have the balls to admit that the 30 year old, exhausted and prozac needing part of me melted into a puddle. I need me some looking after. I’m old and did I mention tired?

-Don’t get me wrong, I am all for working but I would like to soon reach a place in life where I work (part time!) because I want to not because I have to pay bills and be able to afford kitchen roll at the end of the month. Earning your own money is important after all because…

-The idea of asking a man for money makes me physically ill even after what I just said above yes. Its just how I was raised. I don’t extend my hands except to make duaa, you know? Imagine if I married some tyrant who didn’t approve of my art habit or my interior decorating habit? Gasp! Earning my own money means I can buy whatever crazy shite I want and not answer to anyone. I’m also not cool buying shit with anyones buck if they hate what I am buying etc.

If he had some weird ass guilty pleasure like buying collectable toy cars or something… no who am I kidding I would give him some grief about it, that shit’s just clutter.

Anyway. Best try and sleep. Incorrect fractions will not teach themselves tomorrow.

Stupid maths, when are they gonna strike it off the syllabus arghhhhhh.

My Bucket List

Ok, so I don’t actually have one.

Bucket lists are like love for me. I’m down with the concept, I like the idea but I am not sure I have it in me to make it work.

I particularly like the idea of making a bucket list for no, shall we say, pressing reason. Especially that bucket lists are a concept that has recently become associated with people who are dying thanks to the media and the film industry. Not that there’s anything wrong with anyone making them.

But as I said, I like the idea that people have goals to achieve before they turn… say 30.

*rolls eyes*

Okay I don’t actually like that particular deadline having now reached it and accomplished naff all. It’s not even that a big number ya’ll why you glorifying it like its some big ass milestone? Tsk.

On that bitter note…

I have checked out a few bucket list examples and they really make no sense to me. Whilst one may argue that these things are individualistic and hold different meanings to each person, I can’t help but notice a pattern; scuba diving, bungee jumping, skinny dipping, swimming with sharks, marathons etc.

I hate regular sports / activities never mind these fear factor type ones so they’re big no no’s for me.

Then there’s crazy ass stuff like get arrested and go gambling. Why? For the thrill of it apparently. Go figure.

There’s also semi normal stuff like road trips which would be fun actually. I would put it on mine but I don’t have anyone to go with (moment of silence for that please), also I don’t think I have ever driven longer than 20mins per journey.

I dunno, I guess learn a language would be on there and I have kind of taught myself 1 (Hindi) and a half quarter (Turkish) so that’s one I could check off.

In fact seeing as I am 30 Ima go ahead and make a list of stuff I have already done #perksofbeingancient and to make it fair I will some stuff on there that I would like to complete before dying snuffin’ it.

And these will be regular tbh, maybe even boring which I have been recently informed that I am. Me, boring. Who knew…

Here goes nothing;

  • Learn a language ✔
  • Buy a house ✔
  • Travel to 5 or more countries ✔
  • Pay for a stranger’s meal ✔
  • Volunteer at a charity ✔
  • Help a victim of crime ✔
  • Become good with money for the love of God
  • Cook something edible at some point in life – okay soon
  • Go on a road trip with people that drive well (I will pay for petrol relax!)
  • India. India. India.
  • Publish my bloody book
  • Actually start Finish writing the 2nd book
  • Take a photo that gets talked about a lot… for good reasons, not coz I used the wrong setting on the camera to take it.
  • Change someone’s life for the better
  • Find my calling because I am not sure that teaching is it…
  • Become more spiritual (but not too Holy Guacamole)
  • Honestly this one’s impossible but make my parents proud somehow
  • If I ever get married, convince my husband that sleeping with a fan in all types of weather is actually good for his health so that I don’t have to break a 30 year habit.
  • Go back to Yemen one more time
  • Not take any shit from anyone anymore
  • Retire early

As you can see, no Marathons for me. I get outta breath climbing the stairs. Maybe I will add to this list as time goes on. But anyway…

What’s one thing on your bucket list?

…she asks knowing the first 5 people to view this post will “like” it without even reading it…