Author: tam

Taking life one hot chocolate at a time and when disaster strikes, one fake smile at a time. That is how I roll, no rainbows or butterflies here... only food, quirk, randomness and pictures.

New insta, who dis?

-I broke a record this weekend and argued with like 3 people. That’s impressive even for me. I’m not gonna say I was on the right all 3 times. Even I am not that big headed.

-I’m experiencing a very “I hate people” vibe right now not gonna lie.

-I got into a hilarious debate with my cousin about… how do I put this; beautification and grooming in men vs women. How with us its a moral obligation to get waxed more times than the batmobile whereas (to my knowledge) guys indulge in little of the sort. I’m gonna go out there and say as a gender we are much more forgiving when it comes to image. A guy can stop shaving for 3 months and he will look, well lets face it, hubba bubba. But if the shoe were on the other foot…

-I’ve been doing a gradual social media detox lately because I felt it was needed. I’m not sure why it was needed or what it will achieve but I feel okay with the loss of followers… In fact I have been wanting a do over follower wise.

So… this weekend I went the whole hog and wiped my instagram account. That account has too much baggage and negativity attached to it so I want to leave it behind me.

I love sharing photos though so this isnt the end end. I have a new technically old much quieter account thats very empty. If you wanna come along and watch me fill it up, message me on whatsapp or Idk; find me somehow. I tried adding some of you but I literally cannot remember your account names. Sob.

It may sound dramatic but meh. Nothing wrong in wanting a do over. Am I right?

-Sunday night blues are hitting me hard ya’ll. Ughhh.

-I shall leave you with this quote that I am feeling hard rn; “fashion is a form of ugliness, so intolerable that we have to alter it every six months”

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Things that matrimonial websites forget to tell you

I have recently been hearing some cringe worthy stories about somewhat disastrous first meetings between individuals who met online for the purposes of halal matrimony.

Personally meeting a guy via these websites to me feels slightly artificial but it works for many people so don’t knock it until you’ve tried it I guess.

After meeting and connecting (mind the pun) online, people normally schedule a first meeting to test the waters.

Disclaimer: none of the details on this post mean that I am issuing fatwas re. physically meeting people from the online community or halalifying them, if you’re gonna haram police me; go away. Thanks.

Ok so. Despite my blog being female heavy I am actually going to be adressing the mandem today.

Please don’t take this as fool proof advice I do not speak for all women. Just look at this as food for thought. Or you know, swipe away and we’ll call it even.

1. Unless you are going to meet her at her house; don’t take her flowers. She will most likely suspect you stole them from a cemetery anyway. I joke! Relax. But seriously, no girl’s bag is big enough for that ish and she will hate you for making her carry them around all day. It attracts unnecessary attention; the world does not need to know you are meeting for the 1st time. Also, I know its what the movies told you to do but its tacky bro. Abort.

Instead take her; a personality, a sense of humour, chocolate works, mithai’s never a bad idea… I digress. Just take your best self.

2. Plan ahead. If you’re going for coffee, think about what kind of place you wanna go to; quiet, lively? There’s nothing wrong with saying; “hey I know a good place but its popular so it could be a bit of a wait for a table or would you prefer somewhere more lowkey?” Choice is okay when its between two options. “So erm what do you wanna do coz I can do whatever” is irritating. We have curfews bro. Time is money.

3. Speaking of… this one has divided the masses. But here goes. If I am going out to meet anyone man or otherwise, you best believe I will be financially prepared. That’s just how I was raised. However that being said, I expect you to insist to pay. There I said it. Sue me. I am not saying I will then make you pay because ultimately you ain’t my man yet you get me? My counter offer would be to go dutch; I pay for my shit, you pay for yours. If you don’t insist to pay, I’m not impressed with you already. If you expect me to pay for you, I’ll do it but bruh check yourself…

Lets get sidetracked. I was at the cinema with some friends not long ago and the movie had not started so everyone was talking. There was a couple sitting infront of us and he grabbed her mobile phone which she was trying to get back. We overheard them arguing and realised that he was trying to get onto her bank details so that he could reimburse her for the movie tickets which she paid for because she arrived before him and she did not want him to do so. It wasn’t even about the money man, its the principle. He got a silent round of applause from the row behind him js.

4. Don’t take us to the cinema. The point of a first meeting is that I get to grill you how am I gonna do that in a movie theatre or a library?

5. We love food. But we don’t know you so most of us are not prepared to eat infront of you yet. Don’t get mr wrong, some of us will eat infront of an army of people but the general verdict on this one is no food on the first “date”.

6. Don’t call it a date. It ain’t. Not in the conventional sense anyway. And the haram connotations of the word date are the last thing you want hanging in the air as you try and feel less awkward.

7. Don’t go on your phone in the middle of the conversation. Don’t reply to texts. Don’t read them. Just no. Unless you know its an emergency, and you will because the phone will keep ringing, just leave it.

8. Listen and engage. Listening is nodding and absorbing the words the other person is saying. This is probably the only time saying “hmm” is okay. I do not know of a more annoying sound. Engaging is; “Can I just refer back to what you were saying about staying at home after marriage? Is that a personal choice or something you are compromising on? Talk me through it.” Repeating what the other person is saying is often the easiest way to show you listened real good.

9. Diffuse awkward situations. If disagreement occur that’s life it happens but avoid conflicts at all costs. One of main things I look out for in a guy is how he reacts when he is angry. If you kick off over a minor disagreement its a major alarm bell.

10. Try and avoid awkward silences…again time is money and we are on a curfew.

If you’re looking for a sign, this is it.

I’ve been telling a friend of mine that I hate how sensitive I am as a person. And when I say sensitive. I mean to the core.

I don’t watch the news because graphic scenes of any nature have the power to mess my day up entirely. I will think about nothing else for the whole day. It will stop me being productive. I will feel naseous and take it to bed with me. I can’t just let these things go.

Mind you, if it sounds like I am blowing my own trumpet, I assure I am not. Being sensitive and caring has been quite a burdensome experience in my life thus far.

Simply put; I care too much.

If I see an owner mistreat their dog, I will Google all the numbers for animal protection and try and get it rescued. And the joke is; I hate dogs.

When I saw a dead cat on the road last Ramadan, I couldn’t drive away. I picked it up and drove it to the animal shelter even though I was petrified of touching a dead animal. I sobbed the entire way that the staff at the shelter thought I ran the cat over and was feeling guilty about it, hence the hysterical crying. Because why would someone who just picked up the cat and do a good deed by getting it to the shelter for the right burrial process be this upset?

I incriminated myself in trying to do a good deed for God’s sake.

And this year… sigh.

I came across a pregnant stray cat like I said in my previous post. She belongs to no one so I felt responsible for her having fed her a few times… she gave birth in my uncle’s back garden.

So I have been going there every 4 hours to feed her. Simultaneously I have been ringing all sorts of charities and shelters trying to get her and her kittens rehomed and her neutered so she does not get pregnant again. I’m having no luck. All these charities are non Government funded so they have no time or money to pick up a healthy stray. Basically if she was covered in engine oil and was in danger they could come for her. Otherwise, they’re saying leave her to it…

If you’re bored reading that, think of how mundane and stressful it is to live it.

Sure I ride the wave of doing a good deed and feel a major high sometimes. But when the wave subsides I feel stupid.

This is not helped my by family saying things like; why don’t you help your sister revise for her exams instead of this nonesense (I do btw), why don’t you find a husband instead of this crap (this one made me laugh where am I supposed to find him, is there a man dukaan someone ain’t telling me about?), get a hobby (I agree with this one…), sponsor an orphan its more rewarding (I don’t mind if there was one around me that I knew of, I’m still not convinced with internet schemes), help humans not animals (the joke here is that I don’t even like animals, I just hate suffering) – so on and so forth.

I decided to rehome the kittens when they’re a little older and try and get their mum nuetered so she doesn’t get pregnant again. It took so long to come up with this plan – hours of brainstorming. Then my uncle threw a spanner in the works.

As he was the one who built a shelter for the cat to givr birth in, he offered the kittens to me. But when he knew my plan was to find them good homes, he said no no, I said you can have them, not give them to people, if you’re gonna do that just leave them with me, they will keep me company.

How do I explain to him that newborn kittens require A LOT of care and attention? Attention he can’t give because he works long hours and sleeps even more hours? He is stubborn and you can’t reason with him.

Kher I told him it was his choice and walked away deflated that my plan to rescue the buggers got punctured.

Last night I was like ya Allah why am I such a moron? Why can’t I let things go? Why am I losing sleep over this? Sensitivity is a disease. I told my friend the same. Then I was video hopping on YouTube and somehow came across a Tedx talk called:

The gentle power of highly sensitive people.

And in 15 minutes, I learnt that there are people like me out there. And that being sensitive is not only a thing, its an okay thing. Sometimes even a good thing.

I didn’t even look the video up. I wasn’t searching anything of the sort. I was listening to islamic lectures. It just came to me ya’know? I hope it was a reassuring message from God that I am not a freak of nature. And that the kitten sitch will resolve itself. Maybe my uncle will change his mind and let me rescue them. Someone said to me steal them and he will never prove it was you. And whilst in theory that would get me what I want…

…you guessed it, if I did that, I would not sleept at night for the guilt I’d feel.

Adnan Syed is 39 today…

…and he has been in prison for a crime he says he didn’t commit for 20+ years now. He went to jail when he was 17. He is 39 today. Pray for him to get a retrial ya’ll. If he is innocent, he desrves exonneration. And Hae Min Lee deserves justice.

Anyway.

-If you observe Ramadan in a predominantly muslim country, you have been blessed. Celebrating it in a non muslim country is a very “dead inside” feeling.

I went to the petrol station earlier for… well petrol and saw people coming out of the shop with ice creams and cold drinks because today was hot as balls. And no I don’t mean Pakistan, Yemen, Dubai level hot but heat is heat and as much as the good people of Britain love the sun, they simply cannot cope with the heat waves we get in summer. So for England, its hot.

Don’t get me wrong. This isn’t a boo hoo, I wanted ice cream too story. Its not even an I get offended when people eat next to me when I am fasting story because I don’t. Hell, I bought my colleague a hot drink today because he came out of the swimming pool freezing. He said, thank you that must have been torture.

It wasn’t. It was my pleasure.

The petrol story did remind me that there is little unity here when it cames to “muslamic” events and festivals. Its been 19 Ramadans for me in a non muslim country and I am still missing the warmth of the whole country starving together lol. Maybe one day I will get to experience the vibe and buzz again.

-I saw a squirrel that was run over today. He was on the road and trying to crawl to the kurb in slow motion. It was a distressing sight. And I internalise shit like that and think about it all day. I torture and berate myself for not doing something. Ive never touched a squirrel before. I told a colleague I should have stopped and picked it up. He advised that the squirrel would have bit me. I told him I hope he made it to the kurb, he kindly told me he probably died from the schock eventually and that the kindest thing to do would have been to run him over myself to put him out of his misery. I didn’t! I could never! I drove past the same place again later that day and sure enough. Dead. I was so sad.

-I keep going to feed a stray pregnant kitten near my grandmas place because I feel sorry for the thing. Shes too young to be pregnant and her body is under so much strain. Hear me out, I am not a saint and I promise you I hate animals. But I can’t stand to see suffering. Humans or animals.

-I am emotionally drained this ramadan.

-My sofa still hasn’t arrived. It’s now been 6 months since I ordered it. I am now having to definitely settle for the same sofa in another colour and delivery is scheduled for Friday. But with so many delyas I have no reason to believe that the guy will actually deliver on Friday and tbh I am too sad that it wont be the colour I chose to care. I know. First world problems.

-Oh and I was supposed to get some reponse from a literary agent re my book yesterday but I got nothing. One of my biggest pet peeves is people not messaging when they say they will. Like bro. If the book reads like a menu then fair enough. Just tell me so I can stop hoping aimlessly….

-Anyway. Pray for me innit. Alhamdulilah nothing major is happening. Just a series of unfortunate events so I’m feeling very lost and very pissy. I wanna swear so bad rn. So so bad. But I have managed to refrain from doing so thus far.

لا حول ولا قوه الا بالله

Humour me here

I know I harp on about this a lot but humour me because it is a real issue in this day and age.I’ve been coming across a bunch of women recently that are struggling to get married and are pretty cut up about it.

(Waisey before I carry on, this is not an invitation for men to jump up and argue the “this is why men have to marry more than one woman” debate.)

It makes me sad. Because I can’t help them but also, I hate seeing anyone in distress. I get distressed with them by default.Today alone, a friend came to see me and cried because her latest halal escapade fell through and she was frustrated because essentially she has been trying and failing to get married for ages. A friend on the phone expressed some grievances re. arranged marriages not wroking out for her either. And two of my online friends explained their struggles of finding spouses to me too despite trying really hard to do so via halal means.

They all come to me because I guess I am in the same boat, except unlike them I am not actively looking because I have always been a firm believer that his only job is to find me, so if he is failing on that first hurdle then frankly;

I tell a lie. There is more to it than that. But I won’t bore you with the deets.

I have a sneaky feeling that some of my friends come to me for advice on this matter because I seem chilled when it comes to this topic like I have some kind of back up plan now that life let me get to 30+ without finding me anyone.

Naturally, I don’t have a back up plan and I am not necessarily chill about it.Would it be nice to have someone decent? Sure.

There’s an Egyptian proverb that says the shadow of a man is better than the shadow of a wall.Which makes no sense but I think it means having a man is better than going without – but what can I do?

I don’t possess eternal nonchalance on this matter ladies… But I guess what I have on my side is age. And I guess my old ass decided that seeing as marriage just isn’t written for some people, Ima dedicate my life towards doing good until I snuff it, then I will ask God for Shahrukh Khan when I make it to heaven inshallah. Or whoever is cool at the time of my death.

I tried to tell my friends that some things are out of our control and patience will be rewarded but honestly I need to listen to my own advice because I am fed up of this matter myself. Haram relationships are so easy to obtain and the instant gratification from them is immense whereas halal ones are a pain to pursue and they don’t even last sometimes.

Go figure.

May Allah help out anyone in this predicament and help them find a decent companion that makes them feel respected, safe and secure. And earns enough to put food on the table (coz we are always hungry) and has a sense of humour (coz you need one to live with us). That’s all we want you know, most of us…

Kher.

Now is a good time for rishtey to come pouring through. Having reduced my hours at work, I will now only be working 4 days a week starting September so I will have a lot of time on my hands to annoy anyone that comes my way. Apply here.Until then, by God’s grace;

So…

-I am sort of bummed out. I think I have been obsessing over this recent crime documentary I watched and the potential injustice of it is distressing me. More detials below…

-I am also extremely lethargic though tbf. My eyes are basically yellow. I need to start taking my iron tablets. Sigh.

-I made a big change at work recently. It is kind of scary. I dropped one day. The financial implications are immense. I could not have chosen a worst time to do it because I am broke. But something had to change…

-I want to make back the money I will be losing on this day by doing some freelance stuff hopefully. Maybe my bool will get published? I just hope that I don’t regret this decision.

-Man. I am emotional and just needy and I should not have obsessed over this case cos now my heart is sad. I dont even know Adnan but I get so emotionally invested in everyone’s life.

-I’ve recently been seeing a documentary floating about everywhere called The Case Against Adnan Syed and I made several mental notes to watch the 4 episode programme but one thing or another got in the way. Eventually I watched it it has gutted me in ways I was not prepared for…

-Long story short, Adnan Syed was a 17 year old Pakistani male who allegedly killed his Korean ex girlfriend Hae Min Lee in 1999. He got life despite there not being any physical evidence from him on the victim. He has been in jail for 20 years.

-Adnan maintained he was innocent all this time but on the advice of some incompetent attorneys decided not to testify in court. He has since spoken about the case on Serial; a podcast that essentially brought the case to everyone’s attention…

-The aim for all of this was to grant Adnan a retrial because his case was so poorly mishandled and essentially what landed him in prison is failing to account for where he was for 21 minutes when the killing was taking place on the 13th January 1999… however the court did not grant a retrial and thanks to a forever changing witness account from a “friend” of Adnan’s where he says Adnan killed Haye, Adnan will essentially never see the light of day.

-Having watched the documentary, listened to the podcast and even read the book written by Rabia Chaudry (family friend) on Adnan, my gut instinct tells me he didn’t do it. But my God am I confused.

-To think that if his case happened today there would be so much that cluld exxonerate him; mobile phone signals, CCTV, attendance sheets for after school clubs. But it was 1999 and although he had a mobile phone, the technology back then is just not what it is today.

-Only God knows if he is innocent. If he is may Allah swt exonnerate him because he is 35 ish now. And 20 years in jail is a long time.