Author: tam

Taking life one hot chocolate at a time and when disaster strikes, one fake smile at a time. That is how I roll, no rainbows or butterflies here... only food, quirk, randomness and pictures.

Confessions to the one that got away

I saw a video with this title the other night and it resonated with me. It involved a bunch of people (anonymously) writing notes to their ex’s / the one that got away.

There was; “I wish I hadn’t been such a dick” (my personal fave). Though the one that hit me in the gut was, “I still know your number by heart,” because oh my God. Then there was “thank you for showing me the perfect kiss” which is peak on her current man, I suppose, clearly needs to try harder bless him. And “I wish I met you before your brother,” (burrrrn)… before finally ending with, “Now I’m glad you got away,” by a lady who then flashed a wedding ring on her hand (girl you slay).

I loved this video because it had my two favourite things in the whole world; words and emotions. I am a sucker for both. And this video got me thinking. What would I say to the one that got away? So much came to mind. I could go with…

Thanks for spending every ounce of your energy trying to change me so I was suitable enough for you, instead of dedicating said time into feeling for me half of what I felt for you…


Thanks for making me feel insignificant and inferior to you for not matching you religiously, for not wearing the niqaab, for wearing jeans, for swearing etc. Though, forgive me. I can’t help but notice that the woman you eventually married embodies 0 of these qualities herself. What happened there G.?

But then I reminded myself that the one that got away left for a reason. They are not part of our story and they were never meant to be. So really, why should they get anything profound from us? Nah. Forget that. Which is why when I recieved an email from the one that got away. I typed an essay of a reply until smoke was coming out of my keyboard. It felt amazing. But then I didn’t send it. Because people who leave us deserve nothing from us. Not even a message.

If I had to, had to, for old times sake, say something to the one that got away though, I’d probably go with;

I dunno where the facial hair went but word to the wise, a man’s supposed to have a beard, it’s just the way God intended it bruh. Sorry.


I feel yucky inside

When my little sister was, well, little, she couldn’t articulate her emotions all that effectively what with having aspergers and all. So getting her to talk to me about what she was feeling was a feat and a half. I remember once she was acting up and throwing tantrums and I kept asking her what was wrong. In a moment of desperate frustration she sighed, “I feel yucky inside.” As far as communication went, this was a breakthough moment for us. She explained how she felt and I was thus able to help her undo the yuckiness.

What a wonderful thing it is to be a child and have people sort things out for you. We take that for granted, or I did anyway. Because fast forward a few years, I am up at 4:16am having woken up clammy, with aching joints from the most intense nightmare I’ve had in a while and I just want to throw all these emotions at someone to sort out.

I have since been trying and failing to get myself back to sleep and the internal dialogue currently inside my head is going a little something like this;


I can’t.

-You have work in a few hours you need this rest.

I really do.

So sleep.

I can’t.

Why on earth not?

I don’t know how to explain.


I feel yucky inside.

A series of letters

Dear Sleep – I have never craved anything more in my entire life. Have me or let me have you. I need a decent amount of you as a matter of urgency. My sanity depends on it.

Dear Snow- Can you fall in abundance tonight so we can get a snow day tomorrow please? Because it’s been decades since the Boss has taken pity on us and told us to stay home.

Dear Boss – One day’s closure won’t kill us. Live a little please.

Dear Dark – I think I only like you during the day. At night, you scare me a little. You drag me to places I don’t want to go.

Dear Future Husband – You took the piss and now I am 30. Well done. I hope you’re at least making plenty of money so I can retire at 40. This is a joke. But be funny and light hearted I beg you. I need some lols in my life right now.

Dear Car- I don’t exhaust you, stop exhausting me. I am skint.

Dear Book Publishing World – ya’ll need my words in your life, take me innit.

Dear Camera – why you no inspire me anymore?

Dear Travel – I’m sorry we had to break up. We were really good together but the financial situation had to come and split us up didn’t it? Hater.

Dear Tutee – please cancel today’s lesson coz honestly, I cba.

Dear 5:39am friends – thank you.

11:37pm and counting

My sleep cycle is taking the piss these days. And whilst this seems like a random, almost intimate thought to be throwing out there, to be read by people that don’t necessarily know me, it’s 11:37pm and the silence is killing me. So, I currently care very little about that technicality. I shall remember to take some extra self loathing into the shower with me tomorrow to compensate for not punishing myself for it now.

I joke.

Anyway so much is going on for me at the moment that I don’t know what to do with, it’s un real. Too much actually. Talk to someone they say. But I’m so good at not bothering people in my life with my shit though, why break that habit now? I mean this is why I come and vomit it all over here, then it’s out of my system you know? Like an outlet.

I am so full of dread righ now. You know like when you have too much caffeine and feel the palpitations coming on? I am full of that. Nausea and nerves, ugh. I feel like something bad is going to happen- God forbid. Like I’m motionless as a train heads towards me at full speed. I want someone to come push me out of the way. Like I’m getting drenched in the rain and want someone to offer me shelter. I am grown up enough to know no one is coming and that I need to, in fact, save myself from both debacles. I’m working on it.

Life is such though, that until you figure shit out you just have to deal, no? I know, I know.

On a complete sidenote, why are we so shit towards charitable people? I’m noticing this trend of giving grief in the name of “advice” to people who engage in charitable acts actively on social media. So they documented their act of kindness. Big wow. Who is it hurting? You? Get over it.

It’s probably a good thing they do document it in the hope of it influencing the likes of us (who sit there doing nothing for the world) to lift a finger maybe sometime. Yeah charity is supposed to be done in secret for the most part, but who died and made you God to tell them that? It’s between man and creator so you pipe down, have several seats and let the good people do their shit.

My God.

Whatcha know bout Sunday blues

Currently walking in the snow with some Atif Aslam in my ears for effect. Part of me is pretending I’m in a music video ngl. The other part is focusing all my energy on not falling down. And there is the part of me that wishes I was wearing a coat of course but we’re ignoring her.

And on that note, hope your Sunday is going swimmingly well ya’ll.

Minimalism update #3

Well mandem. The time is now 3;19@? – Wow, I’m so drained that that’s how I wrote 3:19am. I’m sick of waking up constantly at night for one thing or another. It is thoroughly exhausting. I just want decent quality sleep.

Now that that insignificant whinge (in a world where some actual horror is taking place as we speak) is out of the way, I shall attempt to update you on my minimalism journey because I like to bore you I suppose, but also it increases accountability. If you want the other two updates… please find them yourself. I can’t even write the time correctly right now so I’d rather not attempt linking stuff.

Long story short: I got rid of some books so my surroundings can become a bit less cluttered, a bit more minimal.

Long story long:

When I was younger it was my dream to have a room in the house with a library; shelves covering every wall. You remember how gassed Belle got when she saw the Beast’s library? That’s me. I wanted that library.

Then I grew up and realised that books take up a lot of space, especially for someone like me who had hundreds, and they get dusty, and discoloured with time. And though owning them felt so satisfying, I sledom read them more than once. So really why were they there? They became ornaments.

This is when I invested in a Kindle. I’m not the biggest fan, because to me, nothing beats the feeling of a book, or that glorious smell of ink and paper and I still, to my friends’ confusion, visit book shops all the time. They’re my happy place.

Last Easter, I went cray and ruthless on my immense book collection. I literally filled up 3 or 4 large crates of them and gave them away to people who wanted them. There was a little sadness at the loss but I am not even joking when I say the space I freed up was a welcome surprise. It just felt so much less cluttered and I only kept like 100 books or so.

Last week, I tried to get rid of even more books by selling them because I am doing another declutter. This was proving a difficult task and I ended up arguing with a guy who runs one of the websites that buy books off of people- true story. So, I decided to donate them to the public library.

I now have something like 27 books left. These were books I couldn’t get rid off for various reasons, they were either signed by the author, or they were in a set, or books I want to re read at some point and books that were gifted to me. Twenty seven books is probably three floating shelves worth of space and I can live with that… for now.

Meanwhile, the mission is to no longer be tempted to buy physical copies of books. I always fall of the wagon and succumb you see, but I must be strong this year. I will not be swayed by gorgeous book covers and from now on I will go 98% digital.

So all in all this mission was a success.

Next thing to declutter: devices and cables. Smh. Wish me luck.