Gems my Nani comes out with

I should lead by saying this woman is a Don, Mashallah. May Allah give her a long and healthy life, say Ameen. And yes, that’s her playing cards, with herself, in the photo.

On Bollywood

-Tam, how did Shahrukh Khan’s film do at the box-office this time? What do you mean you don’t know? Ask Sheikh Google.

-I hear that Kareena Kapoor converted to Islam. Is this true Tam?

Her: I don’t like that Bandeer.
Me: Ranbir, Nani, he’s called Ranbir Kapoor.
Her: I still don’t like him.

Her: Why is everyone bullying Shahrukh? Why can’t he earn a living in peace? Write a complaint letter, Tam.
Me: Okay, who to?
Her: Google.

*flicking through channels*
Her: Oh look, Kapoor and Sons, what’s this film about, Tam?
Me: 

When I go out somewhere

-Watch out for the racists. They’re everywhere these days.

-There’s too many men in this shop. Don’t laugh when you go in there. No kikikiki, I don’t want to see your teeth okay?

-You are staying out later than your brother these days, shabash *claps*

-I know you like to think you are a man when you drive but you are not. Drive like a girl okay?

 

When someone calls the house asking for my deceased Grandfather

Them: Hello, may I speak with Mr. X please?
Her: He’s Deaaaaaad *puts phone down and laughs*
Me: Fam, why you so savage for?! LOL.

 

With regards to beauty in the family

Her: Your cousin is very pretty Mashallah.
Me: Ahem.
Her: You too, but in different ways.
Me: Is she prettier than m-
Her: Yes.
Me: !!!!
Her: Oh you wanted me to lie. No, I can’t.

 

With regards to Marriage

Me: Was yours a love marriage?
Her: No, they said to me you have a choice of two men, one is religious and will make you wear a scarf and one travels a lot and speaks English. I didn’t want to wear a scarf so I chose your Grandad.
Me: *dead*

The Big Show off

Her: Go and get me the evaporated milk from the cupboard. Wait… can you even reach Tam? You must be the only person in the world who’s grandmother is taller than them.

Her: You know Tam, if I was you I would send the photos I took to ITV so they can show them. Otherwise what’s the point? Click, click, click, for no reason. Tsk.

Her: Tam, unmute my phone. I don’t know how it went silent.
Me: It’s an iPhone, mine’s Samsung. I know nothing about iPhones.
Her: You’re young how can you not know? Just sort it out please.

 

Little Miss Contrary

Nani: *buys cat food for stray cats in her garden*
Also Nani: *sprinkles chilli powder in garden to deter cats from hanging around*

Me: You’re confusing them lovely, they don’t know whether they’re coming or going.
Her: I don’t want them!

*2 hours later*

Her: Take these leftovers out for the cats.
Me:  …
Her: What? I’m supposed to just waste food?

 

If my life were a sitcom

These would be the episodes for season 1;

-The one where my cat sleeps in 2 minutes flat when I sing this to it. I am not joking.

-The one where I tried to explain to my dad that in order to SEND an email, he has to HAVE one in the first place.

-The one where I am dreading a void that hasn’t even taken place yet. But it’ll be fine.

-The one where denial is a God send.

-The one where I am really dreading my mood swings in Ramadan.

-The one where I am ashamed that everyone and their mother feels at peace in Ramadan but I feel dizzy and angry and so, so tired.

-The one where I am kind of hating on my family right now who are out eating ice cream and I am home alone. By choice to be fair.

-The one where I am waiting for the day my mother approves of something I do.

-The one where I sustained more injuries washing my cat than when I fell down the stairs once.

-The one where the one thing I am looking forward to about living alone is  decorating and… you know, blowing some steam.

-The one where I already miss December.

-The one where my productivity game is weak as hell right now.

-The one where I haven’t been inspired enough to take a great photo lately so I made do with some cherryblossoms I found yesterday.

-The one where I was in a very crowded place (9000 people) and a couple were trying to hold hands so that she didn’t get lost. Naturally, I did the nice thing and came in between them so they had to walk seperately.

-The one where the search for decent red velvet cake continues.

-The one where my colleague told me to ask for Halal cat food at Tesco because it was definitely a thing just to embarass me. Cowbag.

-The one where this vampire is starting to warm up to a bit of sunlight. 

-The one where I think a college reunion would be really nice. A sencondary school one would be AWFUL.

-The one where holier than thou people will continue to be the bane of my life.

-The one where I forgot what year we were in the other day. 

Double sigh Wednesday

-Parking the car and watching the world go by is soon becoming a favourite pass time of mine. 

-I discovered that I follow myself on here. I don’t know how or why. But I haven’t undone it.

-Why do people feel the need to rain on your parade? When they see you happy and content. They have to make that one comment that will just snap you out of that happy state- why? 

-I miss taking photos. I need to take a good one like soon. But of what.

-When I went to watch Beauty and the Beast and the beast changed, I said, “my G needs to grow a beard pronto” out loud in the cinema. A few minutes later Belle asks him to do the same.

-I am reaching that bitter state where I find myself staring at people and thinking; one day when I am gone, I hope you know how much you hurt me. Now, if that isn’t dark I don’t know what is but wallah some people just don’t know when to quit being gits.

-Good morning and goodnight texts are a bit underrated. 

-I’m almost 30 and I still don’t really understand what friendship is and why it is hyped. 

-Children like me. Like a lot. I have no idea how or why because honestly, I am not that keen on them. That said, I’m very good at working with and supporting them. Go figure.

-I got a kitten and in the space of 4 days, I find myself very fond of it. This baffles me. I am not an animal person. At all. I feel like it likes me without wanting anything in return. I mean it wants to be fed but you know…

-I feel like I should have been born in a different era. Like the late 60’s or something.

-I wish the war in Yemen would stop. I need to go there. It’s one of the few places where I feel at complete peace. I miss home. I miss family, the beach, the food, the tea.

-Still need a hair cut. Still haven’t found anyone to do it. This close to just getting a pair of scissors and just…

-Wednesday and Sunday are my least favourite days of the week. Even more than Monday.

-I was stumped bt Year 3 maths this week. I am legit ashamed. But what can I do? Maths and I just don’t get along.

Stupid things that get to me

Because why not.

1. Pain / being ill –  It could be a cold that’s left me bunged up or… any physical pain really. I will sit alone in my room and cry like a wounded puppy. Then I will cry that my pain theeshold is shite.

2. Cutting my hair – okay. So my mum nagged me to do it once and I relented. The regret was instant. I was going to a wedding that night and saw a girl with long hair and I may have shed a tear because I missed mine. That said, I AM thinking of cutting my hair again… and I’m scared. It takes ages to grow back.

3. Losing people – I don’t mean to death. I mean because the little gits abandoned me. Or, because I have decided I need to exit their life. Sometimes these things have to happen and yet I will sit and mourn your loss for days. It shouldn’t be that way coz if people walk out screw ’em. And if you walk out you have to deal with the consequences of that decision like an adult. Which I am… ish.

4. Arguments – I don’t even mean when I have them. If people I love are arguing / shouting I will sit and stress myself to tears.

5. Being tormented about how negative I am. I hate how it has become socially acceptable to tell people off for being negative. Positive people irk me sometimes and yet I don’t go around telling them to stop being positive all the time do I?!

Train of Thought Thursday

I have 10 minutes to kill before getting ready for work so here goes nothing;

-I envy everyone who is going to sleep right now. I need more sleep…

-I was working with 4 year olds yesterday. And there was this little girl running and crying frantically after this boy. I thought he took something from her or hit her. But no no, she was screaming, “Hassan hold my haaaaand.” I have never laughed so much in my life. She was sobbing because he was running around the yard without holding her hand and she wanted him to. My colleague pulled her to one side and said, “Hannah we don’t need boys to hold our hand.”  She was adamant she needed him though. A few mins later, typical boy, he came sighed, grabbed her hand and took her away from us. She didn’t stop smiling the whole afternoon.

-As a general rule, I don’t talk in the morning. I have been that way since forever. It’s because my guard is down when I wake up and I tend to do a lot of bak bak (say too much) so if you wanna know what I really think of you, ask me when I wake up (don’t though yeah?) Also though, if you cross me in the morning, I won’t hesitate to bite your head off. So this is me showing you kindness really. Mum says it’s rude, I say it’s necessary.

-I’ve been having to have a lot of serious talks with my sister so my parents don’t have to be the bad guy. It does my head in sometimes. I just want to be the cool sister who you can tell anything to but nooo.

-Exams used to give me panic attacks but there is no feeling compared to walking out of that hall knowing you did ok. I miss it in a way and I wasn’t even a great student.

-I wish I had more time to write. Sometimes I think of taking the day off work, but set off at the same time so my family still think I’m at work and just go somewhere and write all day. Alas, my guilty conscience won’t let me.

-Maths actually disturbs me. It gives me anxiety.

-Social norms are interesting in the Asian world. I happened to mention I was turning 30 this year and my friend went, “Tam, 33 that’s you’re final deadline. I can’t see you like this anymore.” This ofcourse meaning unmarried. Her heart is actually in the right place.

-I haven’t had a 99 from the ice cream van in a long, long time. Of course 99’s now cost like £1.20 so that’s probably why.

-I often wonder how I wrote an entire book without driving myself insane. I know people do it all the time. But the fact that I actually finished it…

-The most exciting thing I did last year is take a DNA  Ancestry test. Must top that this year.

-Sometimes, just sometimes I think to hell with it. Let me just tell everyone my real name.

-And on that note…

Thoughtful Tuesday

-I dunno how the recent time change is affecting everyone but I bloody hate it. I constantly look at the clock and think; where did the time go? Also, I’m not getting enough sleep anymore. And yes I’m aware it’s only been 2 days.

*Remembers she was supposed to start with a positive thought- oops.*

-It’s interesting how people react when you say you’re thinking of buying a house. Very skewed I must say. I think one person told me they were happy for me.

-Expressing affection is taboo in my family. We show we care in different ways. But the most affectionate thing we’ll say is, “take care.” It’s not a bad thing per se. I dunno…it makes other people think you’re cold though sometimes.

-I thought I grew out of having ketchup with everything. Apprently not. This is like sinful in my culture. Baaaad little Indian girl.

-A child hi-fived me today and said, “Wow Miss, you’re not just short. Your hands are tiny.” 

-I haven’t sat in the staffroom for lunch in 4 years. I sit alone in my car. Every single day. It sounds morbid. But I like it. Just me and my (dirty af) car with something playing in the background and me acting like I am in a depressing music video. Bants.

-I bumped into someone on Saturday that I had a really bad equation with in college, so 11 years ago, and I swear if looks could kill…. How do people do that? Don’t get me wrong I bear grudges too but Gawd.

-My colleagues were ripping into this young guy who started working with us lately. I felt bad so I started highlighting some of his strengths. My (not so) hilarious friend decides to tell everyone I have a thing for toyboys. Which I don’t but no one wants to listen at this point. In walks the toyboy, and someone fills him in (not so) subtly on what was being discussed. I have never exited a room faster.

-The toyboy rumour was started by my mother if you’re interested. Yes, my 53 year old Asian mother a) knows what a toyboy is and b) actually thinks I have a thing for them.

-If I’m in a car for a long time, I refuse to drink anything lest I need the bathroom. I’m worse than kids. If I have to go, I have to go.

-I came across a really good quote the other day, “What’s not for you is being removed from you right now. Trust the process.”

-Lunch is over so I suppose I should go teach incorrect maths now. Sigh.

Another award? Me?

I wanted to sit at my laptop and do these properly but I have time to kill right now so I shall be answering some Q’s from the lovely Zoya who I wanna thank for saving me from 10 minutes alone with my thoughts in my car. If the post’s a mess it’s coz I did it on my phone.

1. How long have you been blogging and what motivated you to begin? – Like 4 years. I’ve always said I blogged to write more and share my photos. Honestly though, I think I was looking for somewhere to bitch about the people that annoy me.

2. Who is your favourite character (book or movie) and why? – Snape you know. Always. Because I love the way he loved. Even though it was all wrong.

3. What annoys you more than anything? – People and their assumptions.

4. What would you ask for if the answer was ‘Yes’? To go to India.

5. If you could invite anyone to dinner (dead or alive), which 2 people would you invite and why? Maybe Mindy Kaling and Asha Lul (YouTuber). I need some laughs.

6. Where do you see yourself in 5 years time? Happy cat lady with a house.

7. What’s your happiest memory? Maybe when my sister was born.

8. Which protagonist/villain do you see yourself in? Snape.

9. What would you be working as if you weren’t a blogger/writer or working in your current job/career? I dunno,  a photojournalist?

10. What are your 3 favourite foods? – I eat everything. I don’t discriminate like that. Maybe not sea food actually.

11. If you had one day completely by yourself, how would you fill your time? – It wouldn’t be anything exciting and definitely nothing productive. I’d take my camera and go for a walk. Then drive to my happy place and have a hot chocolate and just watch the world go by. Then go home. I’d probably stay in, order a ton of food. I’d watch Dhobi Ghat, Before Sunrise, Before Sunset and end the day with anything SRK whilst having a long conversation on text with someone and then sleep.