I should lead by saying this woman is a Don, Mashallah. May Allah give her a long and healthy life, say Ameen. And yes, that’s her playing cards, with herself, in the photo.
-Tam, how did Shahrukh Khan’s film do at the box-office this time? What do you mean you don’t know? Ask Sheikh Google.
-I hear that Kareena Kapoor converted to Islam. Is this true Tam?
Her: I don’t like that Bandeer.
Me: Ranbir, Nani, he’s called Ranbir Kapoor.
Her: I still don’t like him.
Her: Why is everyone bullying Shahrukh? Why can’t he earn a living in peace? Write a complaint letter, Tam.
Me: Okay, who to?
*flicking through channels*
Her: Oh look, Kapoor and Sons, what’s this film about, Tam?
When I go out somewhere
-Watch out for the racists. They’re everywhere these days.
-There’s too many men in this shop. Don’t laugh when you go in there. No kikikiki, I don’t want to see your teeth okay?
-You are staying out later than your brother these days, shabash *claps*
-I know you like to think you are a man when you drive but you are not. Drive like a girl okay?
When someone calls the house asking for my deceased Grandfather
Them: Hello, may I speak with Mr. X please?
Her: He’s Deaaaaaad *puts phone down and laughs*
Me: Fam, why you so savage for?! LOL.
With regards to beauty in the family
Her: Your cousin is very pretty Mashallah.
Her: You too, but in different ways.
Me: Is she prettier than m-
Her: Oh you wanted me to lie. No, I can’t.
With regards to Marriage
Me: Was yours a love marriage?
Her: No, they said to me you have a choice of two men, one is religious and will make you wear a scarf and one travels a lot and speaks English. I didn’t want to wear a scarf so I chose your Grandad.
The Big Show off
Her: Go and get me the evaporated milk from the cupboard. Wait… can you even reach Tam? You must be the only person in the world who’s grandmother is taller than them.
Her: You know Tam, if I was you I would send the photos I took to ITV so they can show them. Otherwise what’s the point? Click, click, click, for no reason. Tsk.
Her: Tam, unmute my phone. I don’t know how it went silent.
Me: It’s an iPhone, mine’s Samsung. I know nothing about iPhones.
Her: You’re young how can you not know? Just sort it out please.
Little Miss Contrary
Nani: *buys cat food for stray cats in her garden*
Also Nani: *sprinkles chilli powder in garden to deter cats from hanging around*
Me: You’re confusing them lovely, they don’t know whether they’re coming or going.
Her: I don’t want them!
*2 hours later*
Her: Take these leftovers out for the cats.
Her: What? I’m supposed to just waste food?