Get you someone that gives a sh*t

Last Ramadan I was in a dark and lonely place and I prayed to God and said, literally in these words because I am eloquent like that, “Please just send someone my way who gives a sh*t. Anyone.” God has been kind and sent not one or two. But several people who give a sh*t. Alhamdulilah.

600

-So, I’ve done a mini disappearing act again. Mini being the key word. Work as usual is one of the culprits.

-I’m watching this Turkish soap opera that’s bled me dry emotionally you know. I’ve spent the last couple of hours crying. Because Tam gets too emotionally involved and then curses herself for it.

-Ramadan is coming soon and I am brickin’ it. Like legit worried. My anger is easily triggered during Ramadan and if I lose my rag once I really don’t know how to recover.

-Nothing new ever happens in my life, or it hasn’t in a while, but something big might soon if God wills it to. I might be moving out. I won’t go into it too much but let’s just say living alone will be interesting. My mother is already telling me I won’t hack it 

-Summer is upon us and the sheer heat is too. I tell a lie; it’s been raining. But it’s humid especially when your room is in the attic. I sleep with the windows open. This morning a wasp flew into my room at 5:30am and I literally jumped out of bed and tried to shoo it out with a slipper.

-The incident was so traumatic my windows are now firmly shut and I am roasting. Why do you hate summer they ask me… *rolls eyes* the fan is useless and ACs don’t exist in England.

-I’ve been the “victim” of some interesting gossip at work lately. And I honestly am no longer shocked at how low people can get.  

-I feel like I share too much on here but it was okay because I was 100%  anonymous. Now a couple of you know what I look like, a few of you know my name and where I live and this makes me feel weirder writing some stuff out. Because some of ya’ll know the real (ish) me now.

-That said, I am not that tmi compared to some people who are comfortable to go all out on blog. Nothing’s wrong with that of course, I am all for live and let live.

-That said again, here goes something I’ve never shared before. A few years ago. Like a good few years ago. There was talks of me marrying this… fellow human. It was very early stages so alhamdulilah it didn’t have time to go far before it fell spectacularly apart.

-I recieved intelligence that he got married recently. I’m not gonna be one of those pansies that says I wish him well because I wish him nothing. Not good or bad. He doesn’t even make it to my thought process anymore. He told me once that he put me in the dustbin of the past. I thought it was harsh but I think I know what he meant now… You know when just wanna go up to someone and say; I’d like those years back in which I did nothing but mourn your loss though? Yeah, that.

-Such a waste of life. Which I wasted voluntarily when we strip the situation down to its bare minerals but still. I’d like those years back. I suppose he would too. Toxic times. 

-I am weary of people who try to change me (“for the better”) so I can fit their mould of what is acceptable. Take me as I am. Flaws and all. Otherwise walk away and leave me be.

-I’m teaching fractions tomorrow. I am not that excited about it. I have had to revise a lot before I teach it…

-And finally, I don’t know how to say this, but I honestly feel like my time on blogsphere has come to an end. When I started this blog, I was inspired AF having recently come back from a thought provoking trip to Yemen and you can see this when you read that post. However, almost four years and 600 followers later, I fear there is not much left to say.

-I’m not going to make some dramatic speech StarPlus though I am. Knowing me, something will piss me off tomorrow and I will come back and rant to you all about it. I won’t deactivate the account. But I suspect I won’t be around as much anymore… so yeah. 

Take care people.

Tam x

Nothing Positive to See Here

-It would appear that 48 hours alone at home makes the voices in your head do over time. Still, there’s something peaceful about being home alone.

-Work is driving me crazy. And there are no seniors that want to make the time to address this crazyness because let’s face it no one wants to hear that you are not coping well at work. I am worried I am close to burning out. The last time this happened the doctor signed me off with stress.

-I can’t leave work becuase money is much needed, I have a lot of expenses hovering over my head like a black cloud. Ergo, I feel trapped between a rock and a hard place.

-If you’re wondering if these points will get more positive, I can’t make any promises, so you know, leave if you are getting annoyed… lolage.

-I bought my mum a shoe cabinet to replace the one that broke. She asked me to either put it together or ask my dad’s friend to. I accepted defeat and called my dad’s friend. As my dad’s health does not allow him to do handyman jobs and my brother is… a fictional character in this house.

-Anyway, this uncle, he jokes, “Tam, I’d have thought you’d put this cupboard together yourself knowing you.” And, I actually cried when he left. This is how much having to rely on others’ messes me up. I was angry at me not him obviously.

-I hate Facebook. When I started my current job, I had a hunch that having Facebook would be a bad idea so I just stopped logging on to it for years. The few times I have succumbed it has given me nothing but crap news. So tonight, 6 years later, I finally deactivated it.

-Changing for anyone is pretty much a waste of time. People lecture you for listening to music coz its haram. Fast forward a few years their status says; the only religion we need is music. 

-Other people say they won’t marry you because you wear jeans. Then they marry the girl that wears a vest outdoors. So don’t change for people. Ever. 

-I’m so, so tired.

The Uniqely Me Tag; an attempt

I say an attempt because in reality I don’t think I am unique at all. I am in fact very ordinary. I am that person who blends into the background and people don’t really notice. I don’t mean that in a self deprocating way before the Positive Police jump on my case, I just mean I am very quiet. If unique meant weird maybe I would be unique because boy am I weird. Nonetheless Tehreem was kind enough to think of my name when nominating so I shall attempt to list some things that make Tam unique.

-I don’t nominate anyone or follow nomination rules for awards, let’s start with that, does that make me unique or just troublesome?

-Let’s see, personality wise, I am frequently told I am funny for someone who spends a lot of their time looking pissed off or sad. These are not false accusations. I do always look angry.

-I am more masculine than feminine. My mother often introduces me to people as her eldest son. I hate dresses, make up and jewellery. I live in jeans and shirts. I only wear nail polish to disguise my distressed anaemic nails.

-I have this… I don’t wanna say manly voice. But it’s not delicate exactly. Let’s call it unique lol. People often tell me I sound like my dad, which is… charming.

-I have a funny non-accent despite living in England for a while now. It doesn’t sound like anything. Brits always tell me it’s American. Americans tell me it’s not. I dunno.

-I try to be helpful. Being nice to people is like a mission for me. It’s nearly landed me in trouble a few times. Stopping for questionable hitch hikers on crutches at midnight on deserted roads and what not…

-I am fluent in two languages and can converse in another two semi decently. I taught the latter two to myself through television and films. No books.

-I can’t talk to people on the phone. I will text and email you until my fingers fall off but talking verbally is normally a no* for me. I’ve made exceptions but I’ve mostly lived to regret them.

-I am and Indian (technically) who has never been to India.
*not because I sound like a man. I’m just awkward lol…

Got me feeling some kindda way

-I tell you what. I am having a week that has so far consisted of a series of unfortunate events so let’s hope it picks up. Throw a Duaa or a happy thought my way.

-It’s coming up to that time in the year where the heat just doesn’t know when to quit. Everyone loves summer. But I am pretty sure I get S.A.D. in summer you know. Yes I know that’s not actually possible. 

-This moon photo I took a while ago is popular amongst some of you. So I have atttached it for your viewing pleasure again. You’re welcome.

-I don’t mean for these posts to have a negative feel. But like, I created this blog, on some level, to have an outlet for my ranting. So some negativity is inevitable. Sorry not sorry.

-I reconnected with an old friend recently who I lost contact with and she was wondering why we drifted apart the way we did given we were close af. She said things like time and circumstances and what not. And though I agree with all of it, I’ve always believed that it’s all about priority. We’re all busy but if you care, you make time to make an effort. If you’re not bothered (and that’s not a bad thing) you eventually just forget. That thought is never popular though when I voice it out loud. So I went with something suitably generic and socially appropriate; “oh yeah, life happens doesn’t it.

-During a revision session for an English test, a child was testing my patience with constant chatting so I told him, “Adam, seriously you’re making my ears bleed.” He looked at me all confused and then smirked like he had a light bulb moment and said, “Ahh, metaphor.” I’ve never gone from livid to amused so fast. Ever. 

-My search for good red velvet cake continues. Le sigh. 

-I love words. If I read a book, I collect quotes from it, same with films, shows, conversations I hear on the bus. It’s becoming an addiction. Then I post them on social media because sharing is caring and I get DMs asking me if the quote is about them. Like fam, can’t a girl be emosh in peace these days?

-I have been looking at some comments on here lately, not my posts, just generally on wordpress. Random conversations people have and the flirting between these two bloggers has been making me laugh a lot. I also cringed and prayed to God that my comments and replies don’t look like that πŸ˜…

-People who take you for granted are the worst. I’m going through a phase where I am slowly but surely ejecting them out of my life. And there are some people I am letting go of that I never thought I would.

-I have finally watched 13 Reasons Why and I had to actually stop myself dedicating an entire post to it because sometimes I go overboard on here. So after a cool down period, here’s what I think;

-It’s a good show and an entertaining viewing experience. They keep things fast paced and interesting making you constantly want to know more. However, I am slightly concerned with the impression it’s leaving on some young people. It has made suicide look thrilling in away (there I said it!) and in the hands of a suicidal person that’s a potentially catastrophic thought to have and run away with. I’m not even going to go into how graphically visual the whole thing was. There was just no need for that at all.

-My cat is the only “person” that is keeping me sane these days. She’s a violent little thing but I am really fond of her.

-Ramadan is coming up and I am legit scared. I’m not good with temper during that month. It’s like my system knows I shouldn’t get angry but I do. Then there’s migraines and overwhelming fatigue and allergies to the heat. God help us all.

-Final thought for today; there is nothing like lying down in your own bed (in a darkish room) after a long day. Alhamdulilah.

The Blue Sky Tag: Questions from Inks :)

1-What is one small thing that can make you smile? When I’m driving in Autumn and a leaf just falls gracefully onto my wind shield.

2-What was the name of the last book that you read? How was it? Small Great Things – Jodi Picoult; excellent.

3-Alot of people NEED coffee or tea to begin their day. Don’t you think that it is right if someone says that they should be more dependent? πŸ˜› Yeah, no I need tea. No arguments there. Migraine without it.

4-If you were to learn a new language which one would it be? Italian.

5-Are you an early bird or a night owl? Night Owl. I fantasize about being an early bird though.

6-What do you like most about blogging? I think the interaction with all of you outside blogsphere. DM crew where you at? Though, with some people I do think, “we really should have left it at WordPress…” oh well, too late now.

7-What’s your best childhood memory? My parents buying me this comic book to read EVERY Wednesday. Maajid Magazine.

7-If you hear the word beautiful what comes to your mind? The view from my happy place. 

8-If you think of the word terrible what comes first in your head? War.

9-Are you thinking I am out of questions now? πŸ˜› Nah, I can see 10 and 11 😜

10-Would you rather go the moon or under the ocean? Explain why! The moon. Because if you know Tam, you know she is OBSESSED with the moon. 

11-What country are you from? Yemen.

Mystery Blogger Award…

-response, ish.

So I am in the vet’s waiting room desperately in need of distracrion because there are dogs EVERYWHERE. Though I am schedueling this to be posted tonight so by the time you read this I should be in bed, in theory. I got nominated by Supernaturlasnark for this award which is super nice; thank you. Not to brag but I was the 1st name on the list of nominees 😏

Seriously though I am flattered people still nominate me for these things because I never follow the rules and only answer the questions. Hashtag rebel or you know, rude person. Without further ado;

3 things about me… that you guys don’t already know? Sigh. Let’s see.

1. Tam is jealous by nature. Like obscenely so.

2. Tam can be competely silent for a scary amount of time. Which if you have the pleasure of being with me on DMs (you’re welcome) you won’t believe coz I can chat for England. It’ true though.

3. Tam… refers to herself in the 3rd person apparently. But also. She isn’t inherently good. So she will always try and make up for this by doing overly nice things.

1. Fave Backstreet Boys song? Excellent question; All I have to give.

2. If you had a superpower what would it be and why? Time travel. Back to the 70s to see what the hype was about in my parents day. They keep talking about the good times. I wanna see for myself.

3. If I offered you the chance to become invisible or a million dollars which one would you accept? The money. I’m already invisible.

4. Have you ever eaten ice cream with a fork? No, but I wrote a book where the main character did that… how bizarre πŸ€” shoutout to Sinan ladies. Who else misses that bugger? πŸ˜‚

5. Can you touch your nose with your tongue? That would be a no… apparently *proceeds to wipe saliva off nose*

My best post is… my first one will always be close to my heart though the writing is shocking. Statistically though it’s THE PROBLEM WITH AREANGED MARRIAGES – which surprises me actually. See ya’ll complain when I whinge about marriage but you secretly love it.