Marriage Rant

This rant is sponsored by 5:00am and is completely and utterly based on my own views inspired by the mess I see on a monthly basis. Therefore your experiences are unlikely to reflect mine please grasp this before reading on.

For someone who just prayed fajr, my chest feels kindda heavy and yuck. I just recieved some sad news. A friend of mine text me to say she got divorced. Her husband, well ex husband and her, have a little boy together. I am not even invovled in it but I am devestated for her and the kid. What about the husband you say? He’s actually a distant relative of mine. And yet my sympathies for him are limited. Because even if he is in the right, society is a lot more forgiving to men than women. He will bounce right back and be married by next year if not month. Her on the other hand?

A life time of being a mum and nothing but a mum. And though I am reassured that is a fulfiling path, I am also reliably informed that it’s a lonely one as well.

I don’t understand how it could have gone so wrong. They were a pious couple and everything.

People used to say marriage has no warrantee. No one knows how well it can thrive or how long it can last but if the couple is pious and know Allah then it can stand the test of time.

Well, even that theory has gone to hell now. Religious folk can’t make marriage work. Wasteman’s can’t. No one I know seems to know how to work this stupid institution. I have seen 6 divorces since January.

My mum says marriage is a watermelon. And it really is. You slice it open and only then do you know if it is red or rank inside. You can knock on its shell and look like an idiot as much as you like, there’s still no guarantee.

In my 30 years of life, I think I have only seen one couple that is “happily” married. 1 couple in 30 years. That’s a terrible ratio. I use the term happily for lack of a more comprehensive one. No one is always happy and I know that but these two come pretty close mashallah x1000.

They’re cousins as well. So if you hate on cousin marriages take that bitter pill and swallow it.

I have come across some pretty negligent women in my time whose marriages have failed for those reasons amongst failiures on the man’s part as well however…

Wallah and God is my witness when I say this, all the married men I know (bar one) on a personal level are cheats. Yes all of them.

Remember I am not claiming all men are cheats though God knows I am itching to. I am saying the ones I know on a personal level. Maybe 11 of them if we have to call a number.

And I have solid evidence on each one which is the only reason I can make this statement with conviction.

What kind of evidence, you say? I have had the misfortune of hearing someone on the phone for long enough to know they were cheating on their wife.

A man asked me to open his email to check for something once as he had no access to a laptop and there before my very eyes was a string of emails between him and a bunch of other women. My morals went out of the window and I read a few. I was 17. Sue me.

He was pretending he was single to five different women. Then I had to watch him act in love with his wife but even worse than this berate her for things like cooking and not maintaining a home.

I have seen men two time girls before my very eyes and boast about it. Texting the same text to both girls. Going to lunch with one and dinner with the other and moaning about eating too much food for that day.

Until one day I did a quick tally in my head and realised that I know more cheats than loyal men.

Isn’t that terrible?

This is why I have no little faith in men’s ability to stay loyal.

I think God made us, most women, in a way whereby we can only love one git at a time.

Men on the other hand? I have a theory that the reason they can have 4 wives is because their love is never exclusive to one woman; that they can love more than one person at a time. Which is just sad… and if you’re a man reading this wallah I have 0 interest on your input regarding the topic of 4 wives.

Yes, we all know you’re noble and want to save the widows of the ummah coz its sunnah. Clap, clap sit.

That being said. A cousin of mine with a perfectly good wife, who took him when he did not have a penny to his name, nor the passport of that country, recently after 10 years of marriage took another wife. Just because. Wife one still has no idea…

Cousin two, inspired by cousin one, wants to do the same. This one’s wife is a character and a half though. She will actually kill him in his sleep.

So, yes.

As you can see; I’m cynical. But I dare you to see what I saw and not be cynical about men and marriage.

This used to make me think I am never getting married coz men are x y z.

But now I am more realistic. I might get married coz a girl’s gotta eat tbh I am dictated by my emotions. But in my heart of hearts I’d probably have no little faith in him and won’t be surprised when if it all goes to hell.

And I would be semi prepared.

Because I also know a lot of women on a personal level, who have secret bank accounts that their husbands know nothing about just incase of abandonment, women who hide their passports, who have a domestic violence help line memorised, women who sleep with one eye open.

And I even know one psycho who has a tracking device on her husband’s phone so knows exactly where he is at all times and gets immense pleasure from watching him lie with conviction about where he was for the whole day whilst pretending to believe him.

You can sit and argue with me about self fulfiling prophecies and how if you think something will go wrong it probably will…

But 1 sound marriage in 30 years* is all I can say back to you.

*okay so clearly I didn’t see marriages at ages 1, 2 & 3 etc. so for tehnicality’s sake shall we say 1 good marriage in 15 years? Cool.


Yes not every marriage is like this.

Yes not every man is like this.

Yes there are 2 sides to every story.

Yes both parties can be wrong.

Yes women cheat as well.



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