Brown Girl Struggles

-Getting busted with Tariq at the bus stop by some cowbag Khala. Her giving you deluded “I see you” smiles. Whilst Tariq mentally rues the day he offered to walk your Asian ass to the bus stop.

-Making up an excuse for whenever there is a work outing to the pub; “we have guests coming over/ we’re going to London that day.” Read: My Ma will murder me for stepping into the pub Khudda ke liye stop inviting me you politically correct assholes.

-Your dad sitting you down to question you on why you haven’t been praying the last few days and how we shouldn’t stop praying even if we get depressed and life gets hard. Like fam, did they teach biology at your school because this convo’s about to get bloody awkward. Mind the pun.

-Coming to the sad realisation that if he doesn’t respond to, “haal kaisa hai janaab ka?” with, “kiya khayaal hai aapka?” he is too young for your spinster ass.

-When you decide to challenge Shoaib to a healthy debate by asking him, “how would you feel if someone spoke to your sister the way you speak to me?” But it backfires on your holy ass and he stops flirting with you.

-When you clock Mustafa with his latest conquest and her hair game is hella weak compared to yours but thanks to the hijab he will never know.

-When he’s disappointed that you can’t cook given that you’re Asian. Aye, DJ Imran, I was disappointed you ain’t a heart surgeon, but what you gonna do? Life eh?

-Being forbidden to talk to boys ALL your life. Then getting berated for not maintaining Waseem’s interest when he came to propose to your socially akward ass.

-When your curfew game hella weak compared to your brother’s. Fatima, your brother is home and you are not. What will the neighbours say? Get home now!

-When your hijab rises slightly and Arshad’s pervy eyes clock your hairy back of the neck situation and raises his concerns. I mean… it keeps me warm in winter. What’s your beardless face saying when it’s cold though? Yeah, that’s what I thought. Keep walking Arshad.

-When you lack of skill in cooking, dancing, make up, fashion, tolerating spicy food are all met with; “wait, aren’t you Asian though?”

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