Marriage Good Or Bad; A Debate Between Two Bloggers


 Marriage is good but is it?

Bilal: Are you in?

Tam: Naturally you would go for that title.


Bilal: Today we have the Infamous ‘Tam’ amongst our ranks, some say she is a He and some say she is a she but we can’t really tell.


Tam: Seriously?


Bilal: First and foremost before I go for my introductions we would want our viewers to understand the nature of your existence? Since you have explicitly required us to make your identity as covert as possible.


Tam: I feel like at this stage everyone and their mother knows who I am, so we’re good. I exist and am fairly active on blog. Until I have a tantrum and leave. Only to return shortly after.


Bilal: That is understandable, I don’t need introductions anyway – I’ll just regard myself as a Reasonable Human. So about the topic do you feel nervous even though we know that you have taken on the subject quite many times?


Tam: Hold up. Introductions wise, Bilal is the guy correcting my spellings as we type this. I feel this sums you up rather nicely. As for the topic, it is all I ever talk about, apparently.


Bilal: Very well, yes the upkeep is necessary for everything to look appropriately placed – typos and blank spaces are not okay *sighs*. Yes that is exactly why we chose you for this. To start off I am not married are you?


Tam: Is this a bad time to say I have an announcement to make?


Bilal: Definitely not, however I am the one interviewing so I am kinda the boss here. You can say whatever you like.


Tam: I believe we are posting this on my territory. How does this make you boss? Please proceed.


Bilal: The interviewer is always the boss. As I was saying (politely before) about your Marriage?


Tam: I’m married to my work. Mashallah me.


Bilal: Right Right that’s informative and … (completely absurd to mention) good that you love your work. I believe by saying that, you are trying to say that you are not married to a human like species yet.


Tam: Yes, negative. Not married to human or otherwise.


Bilal: Oh that’s a good start, I am sure we are absolutely the right type of people to conduct this interview (duh). My first question for you would be; where are you situated? (so we can all judge you and your answers.)


Tam: Obviously we are the worst people for the job, neither of us are married and one of us is semi anti-marriage. But I feel this makes this topic all the more relevant (she says) what do you mean situated? Like on the Globe? England inneh.


Bilal: Hmm, Great Britain (feels fresh air).


Tam: Damp air*


Bilal: I will take your suggestion. Do all people in England get married to humans?


Tam: A woman married herself the other day. I am currently looking for a fatwa in favour of this.


Bilal: I see (ewghukjkhkhkh) … hmm that’s very optimistic of you. I think it’s time for the real question everyone has been waiting for (shall we?) Is Marriage good?


Tam: No one has been waiting for anything, everyone thinks we’re mad and wait, can I swear?


Bilal: Children will be reading this Mam, I hope you can cope with that.


Tam: No they won’t. My followers are mostly adults. Minor anyway. Marriage in my humble opinion is a shitty crappy institution that requires a solid foundation to survive in this day and age. (Stop crossing out my cuss words! Where the democracy at, though?!) I’ve always thought though if you are going to get married you might as well embark on this rocky ride with someone you know really well, i.e. not arranged marriage.


Bilal: I have the task assigned to me as a moderator so I have to do the dirty work. Yes, I would agree with it being a solid foundation and an institution. Which means that you are in favour of ‘that’ type of Marriage, understandable. Why not arranged though?


Tam: Casually wondering what you class as “that” type. Haram ting you mean? I mean look. Arranged marriages work for a lot of people. But for me I can’t fathom the thought. If you’re someone who is seen as desirable in societies’ eyes then boom, easy, the stupid Aunties zoom in on you like hawks and find you someone quick. However, if you are some kind of plain Jane minding your own business then you don’t even make the selection process and when you do, you seldom make it to the judge’s houses. A reference wasted on you, Bilal. As you don’t watch  X Factor and what not. Simply put, “that” type of marriage means people know what they are signing up for. If that makes sense. So the marriage is more likely to work in the long run. No surprises.


Bilal: Right, so basically those who don’t cut in the Aunties selection criteria would naturally be inclined towards ‘that’ type. If I am not wrong from what I understand from your side is that ‘that’ type doesn’t necessarily have to include all the ‘wrong’ things rather just someone whom you know rather than someone whom your parents know only (ahem). Do guys think like that too though?


Tam: I can’t answer that. I am not (moderating haha) a guy. Despite the vicious rumours you keep spreading about me.


Bilal: Let me rephrase that question for you, Aunties are on the hunt for females as you said but does it work in the same way for Uncles looking for potential grooms for girls they know?


Tam: Let me tell you something about the Aunties, yeah? They work overtime, they be’s looking for boys AND girls (don’t correct my grammar and let me speak gangster!) Uncles ain’t gotta do a thing. In typical lazy and useless form of the male species.


Bilal: If I am not wrong in my conclusion on this, wouldn’t it be more sensible to look good to these aunties doing overtime hours than to actually work on becoming a potentially good spouse?


Tam: I can’t speak for all females. However, I am not going to spend my time Barbie-dolling myself so some old hag with a telescope can report back to some poor unsuspecting guy and his family on which route I take to work and what colour socks I wear.


Bilal: That is true, but by the looks of it, that does seem like a good way to just crash into marriage while not risking falling into FOMO. Do aunties get paid for this detective work or do they assume this designation in return of a reward in heaven?


Tam: The heaven thing *rolls eyes* We digress though. From a girl’s perspective, to sum up, marriage is shitty but you have to do it. And if you reach a certain age having not done it, then the reasons are probably because you reached a certain age, because people don’t know you exist and because you have full on given up on the institution and instead spend time on something worthwhile. Why don’t guys get married given that the whole ordeal is 10 times easier for them?


Bilal: There are reasons I am sure, some which I am aware of include Financial Instability – ‘That’ is Trash and Girls need ‘yeah that’. Its one of the foremost reasons guys do not go for it because they have to take responsibility of a female’s entirety for the rest of their lives. They have to work in order to make sure that a female who has always dreamt of living a life of princess (thanks to disney movies) is going to finally think that her dreams will be fulfilled. Every newly married guy tries to deliver his wife that but realises soon enough that it is just not humanly possible for him and that’s when marriage is just a job *drops mic*.


Tam: *picks up mic, yells at him to come back* No girl wants to live like a princess Bilal, this isn’t the 90s bruh. Get with the times. But yeah the whole materialistic thing I get. Sometime’s it’s not girls it’s families mainly wanting this and that for whatever reason. Still, it’s crucial for guys to get married more than girls. And when their time comes, finances aside, it’s still easier.


Bilal: Finances are the most difficult part I think so yes it can’t be put aside at all, NOT AT ALL (not yelling just emphasising).


Tam: Duly noted. Are finances the reason guys your age hold back from marriage thus far?


Bilal: Yes mostly, there’s so much stress on guys my age in my community because they have to work so much in order to fulfill the requirements of the Girl’s family and also the insane amount they need to have to pull the wedding with all its absurd amount of useless stuff.


Tam: Does it feel nice though to know that when you are done saving up and getting over the fact that you have to give more than a Kit Kat and 3 dates for Mahr *rolls eyes* society will still let you marry their daughters regardless of how ancient you have become?


Bilal: Society does accept guys over the age of 30 even for their daughters graduating at like 22 so yes they accept it, if they didn’t then it would be stupid because saving up takes up time naturally.


Tam: As a guy, what do you think of age discrimination in the Asian culture when it comes to marriage specifically aimed at females?


Bilal: I am not in favour of it to be honest. Age is just a number, I wholly believe.


Tam: And that is just a phrase people say for decoration nowadays.


Bilal: At least I know about the things I say so yes. Do you think all of these requirements become irrelevant in ‘that’ type of marriage?


Tam: (By “that” he means love marriages btw) Absolutely. I feel like when people meet each other at uni / work etc. they have a chance to get to know each other quite well. Like the real version not the front you put up indirectly in an arranged marriage situation. If you’ve always wanted to marry someone say, under 25, and you meet someone who is 30 but they tick every other box you would be willing to let that go because you have gotten to know them. Whereas in an arranged marriage you would see 30 and think well why not look else where, without realising that you and that person have a lot of potential to make a marriage work.


Bilal: Hmm, yeah that makes good sense, however don’t you think even in those settings Parents, aunties and what not will still be part of the decision making, and can potentially force stop any such marriage – wouldn’t that break up part be really painful to bear?


Tam: I mean yes, the more emotionally attached you get to a person the harder it is to let them go which is why I guess the Deen and culture advocates arranged marriages as emotions are not at risk. If young people meet and like each other and decide to get married and have the decency to involve parents though, then parents should also have the decency to play along. For the record this is all my personal opinion not backed up but any fatwa. I’m not saying anyone should do this or follow my suggestions.


Bilal: Yes that is understandable. If I have to conclude, I would say that Marriage is a necessity for the population of the world to keep growing and the circle of life to keep running but we should go for arranged marriages no matter how absurd it might sound sometimes but at the same time if there is someone who we don’t like but our parents do then it is our right to say no. Forced marriages are absolutely wrong and haram. Anyway Thank you for your time Miss T Z. I hope we get another chance to discuss something as important as this topic.


Tam: I just hope we don’t get hate mail from everyone for dabbling in a topic that doesn’t directly involve us. Happy to have thee on my end of blogsphere. You practically live in the comments section I should charge you rent.


Bilal: *ignores rent part* I hope the readers would understand our intentions in a positive manner while discussing the issues.

Stay blessed.


Tam: He is so ambitious using “readers” (plural) but it’s good to be hopeful. Also, haram Police if you are lurking, kindly go away. God bless.

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17 comments

  1. I think Marriage is a good thing if two people are ready for it and it should be left unto them how they would manage their relationship without much interference from any side of family. It is a big commitment and I agree with Tam that market value of man is never seems reducing in our societies, he or his family still wants to go for a 16 year old girl even the guy is 40 😀 The age of marriage is considered only for women.

  2. Marraige is shit. Arranged marriages worse. And financial stability? Can we please skip to the part where a man and woman can contribute equally? No? It’s flippin 2017.
    It is what it is. Women won’t get their voices heard until we say no. We don’t want a random woman pairing us up with their son. It’s got to stop.
    Hope I didn’t sound too negative but u asked for it tam 👀😂

    1. Fully agree that it is shit. Some people (cough-Bilal-cough) wouldn’t allow me to use such poetic words to say it how it was *sigh* but yes agreed. Nah what negative? You hit the nail on the head lol and the hate mail I will get from everyone now is worrying me. Ahem 😅

    2. Man and woman can contribute equally? Are you suggesting dowry?

      Cause that’s the only possible way a girl or her family supports the happening of the marriage but after ensuring that the Guy already has everything but then replacing all of it with their own stuff (by force) treating the guy and couple as if they are super poor so giving in dowry from furniture, house, car till handwash and soap.

      You know I still quote “We should adopt more than produce” in class however in our beloved Country they would not even allow single parents to adopt like it’s not even possible as in it’s illegal 😐. (I’m sorry I can’t use swear words)

      1. No I meant how men talk about not being able to support a family – the actual wedding obviously depends on whatever the two families choose.
        Adoption is complicated that’s why. A single parent may not be able to give the kid what he or she needs – don’t want the kid to be even more messed up.

      2. Hmm yes that does happen as many young couples I know both work but the acceptance part at the proposal stage is where the problem lies. The couples I’m talking about mostly either did ‘that’ type of marriage or the groom’s family was well settled to support the acceptance.

        Yes it can be difficult but thanks to our culture that we have made marriage like this, adoption so difficult and these friggin individuals be throwing away healthy children in orphanages right at birth. There are 140 million orphans in this world, how is this problem supposed to be solved 😐.

  3. ‘Do aunties get paid for detective work?’ LOLOLOL!! I have to say, reading this reminded me a lot of all the debates my friends and I used to have before any of us got married. But then I got married and having this conversation played out in front of me makes me realise how naive I was. My experience of marriage is so different to what I had anticipated and it’s actually the best thing that has ever happened to me. I used to think I will never, ever, ever get married and then bam. So, never say never Tam! You just don’t know. As for issues surrounding age, mahr, aunties – these will always be around and they have become stereotypes and generalisations but it doesn’t mean they will happen to you. I find (in my experience) we worry about all this but it might never even happen to you, only Allah knows what he has planned for you.

    1. Aw mashallah. Sounds promising may Allah s.w.t. bless your marriage and keep it this way always. I’ve definitely grown enough to never say never. Which is progress from my older self. I definitely had a hunch that our views would be slightly skewed given neither of us are married. Still singletons have a view point as well I guess. Thanks for taking the time to share your thoughts x

  4. Marriage is needed definitely in this time of fitna😔zina is so rife and marriage is not bad like revels1 said

    1. Marriage done just because of Fitna and what not can lead to a very sad & miserable life, the purpose of marriage go far beyond that and if they don’t exist in the mind of either spouse then lives are ruined, and families are cut apart.

      I will soon be posting a series on Haya and Fitna, just to give you an insight from what I learnt – there are 29 Safeguards which Allah and his Messenger have put in Deen so that there is a General atmosphere of Modesty and Mercy, and only 3 relate to getting Married.

  5. I agree, marriage is rubbish when theres all these factors involved esp extended family or walking CCTVs analysing everything. But when you’re married and can both not let anything external affect it, it’s great! When I announced I found a guy of my own choosing and he was a different race to me, shit went cray! But after we got married, we mind our own buisness and can let negitivity fly over our heads and we are happy alhumdulillah! .. people make marriage so much harder than it actually is x

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