Gems my Nani comes out with

I should lead by saying this woman is a Don, Mashallah. May Allah give her a long and healthy life, say Ameen. And yes, that’s her playing cards, with herself, in the photo.

On Bollywood

-Tam, how did Shahrukh Khan’s film do at the box-office this time? What do you mean you don’t know? Ask Sheikh Google.

-I hear that Kareena Kapoor converted to Islam. Is this true Tam?

Her: I don’t like that Bandeer.
Me: Ranbir, Nani, he’s called Ranbir Kapoor.
Her: I still don’t like him.

Her: Why is everyone bullying Shahrukh? Why can’t he earn a living in peace? Write a complaint letter, Tam.
Me: Okay, who to?
Her: Google.

*flicking through channels*
Her: Oh look, Kapoor and Sons, what’s this film about, Tam?
Me: 

When I go out somewhere

-Watch out for the racists. They’re everywhere these days.

-There’s too many men in this shop. Don’t laugh when you go in there. No kikikiki, I don’t want to see your teeth okay?

-You are staying out later than your brother these days, shabash *claps*

-I know you like to think you are a man when you drive but you are not. Drive like a girl okay?

 

When someone calls the house asking for my deceased Grandfather

Them: Hello, may I speak with Mr. X please?
Her: He’s Deaaaaaad *puts phone down and laughs*
Me: Fam, why you so savage for?! LOL.

 

With regards to beauty in the family

Her: Your cousin is very pretty Mashallah.
Me: Ahem.
Her: You too, but in different ways.
Me: Is she prettier than m-
Her: Yes.
Me: !!!!
Her: Oh you wanted me to lie. No, I can’t.

 

With regards to Marriage

Me: Was yours a love marriage?
Her: No, they said to me you have a choice of two men, one is religious and will make you wear a scarf and one travels a lot and speaks English. I didn’t want to wear a scarf so I chose your Grandad.
Me: *dead*

The Big Show off

Her: Go and get me the evaporated milk from the cupboard. Wait… can you even reach Tam? You must be the only person in the world who’s grandmother is taller than them.

Her: You know Tam, if I was you I would send the photos I took to ITV so they can show them. Otherwise what’s the point? Click, click, click, for no reason. Tsk.

Her: Tam, unmute my phone. I don’t know how it went silent.
Me: It’s an iPhone, mine’s Samsung. I know nothing about iPhones.
Her: You’re young how can you not know? Just sort it out please.

 

Little Miss Contrary

Nani: *buys cat food for stray cats in her garden*
Also Nani: *sprinkles chilli powder in garden to deter cats from hanging around*

Me: You’re confusing them lovely, they don’t know whether they’re coming or going.
Her: I don’t want them!

*2 hours later*

Her: Take these leftovers out for the cats.
Me:  …
Her: What? I’m supposed to just waste food?

 

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29 comments

  1. Hahaha loved this post! Bless your nani man. She’s pretty cool. My mum is savage like that haha it’s gotten to a point where if someone else says something i don’t even get offended! My nani is probably the same so I’m guessing I’m turning out savage myself

  2. Okay lets do this.

    Starts reading:

    – Cards with herself whaaaaaaaaaaaat? How can one even do that? As far as I (completely illiterate person with cards) know that card games require you to guess your opponents hand so how can she possibly play with herself?

    – Skips Bollywood section (I certainly have no interest – sorry)

    – Racists are a new form of pest, funny but damn true.

    – Haha kikiki, its true that guys (normal guys) can find it cute hence attractive hence they might start liking you hence they might send the rishhh…. orrr maybe not.

    – Is it the slow creepy clap or just the small sarcastic clap?

    – Driving like a girl haha. If you want lessons my sister would love to teach you how a girl ‘should’ drive according to society.

    – Grandfather joke – not funny *Skips*

    – Savage Nani innit. She really can’t lie you know.

    – Well at least she made the choice herself and seems to be enjoying life so its all good rightttttt???? (smh)

    – This height thing just makes me curious every single time.

    – Lol let her enjoy life with nice casual photography.

    – (being misogynistic) Yes I know girls really don’t like to bother themselves knowing too much about gadgets and all, its more of a guy thing but seriously putting a phone off mute is really basic stuff and I’ll agree with Nani Jaan (much respect).

    – My Dad is basically the same, he hates when the stray cats would get inside our home but literally would do ANYTHING to make sure that the leftovers are given to the stray cats. WHY does he do that? I have no idea.

    1. -Skips Bollywood section? Allah re. Too much unexpected. You could have skipped it silently yano. Sheesh.

      -Lol the rishhhh come regardless of kikiki or no kikiki. Don’t you worry.

      -Sarcastic clap.

      -I’m good driving like a man. Screw society.

      -The grandfather joke IS funny when you get 10 calls a day from companies asking for a deceased man. Lighten up Bilal.

      -The height shall remain a mystery. Sorry, not sorry lol.

      -I mean yeah that was misogynistic. It’s not a girl thing. It’s a me hating iPhones thing. Plus, it’s all good I found someone to tell me how, he saved the day and Nani’s phone started ringing in no time.

      -It seems the older generation have a thing for cats. Hmm.

      1. – Couldn’t​ have skipped without mentioning 😏.

        – lol true the kikiki is just like adds up to the chances or maybe not. Wonder why your Nani was bothered about it tho.

        – That’s the tam I know so little about, keep driving safe.

        – Companies? Did he do something to make people call him 10 times a day? It’s not normal tbh.

        – lol alright, I’ll learn to live with it. I so want to tell you that you’re not short and there are so many people even shorter than that so be grateful and all but I really don’t have a starting point (secretly hopes only you get it).

        – Yeah I kinda realised. Even if you hate iPhones existence getting a phone off silent mode is a no brainier but oh well glad the day was saved.

        – Maybe maybe not. Btw ahem my dad and your Nani are probably not of the same generation, not there yet. 😇

      2. Minor. My Nani and I are from the same generation so it’s blessed. Allah re. Even the guy who told me how to take it off silent didn’t judge this much. Smh.

      3. Your Nani and you are from the same generation rightttttt. (She probably doesn’t know how generations work – let her live in peace Bilal gosh – okay *sighs*).

        He must be a good person then what can I say lol. I’m quite a tech-nerd so there’s that.

  3. Firstly, I love that pic! ❤
    I said Ameeen. Sum Ameeen. ❤ May Allah SWT keep her cool and awesome like this.Give her a hug from me.
    Haha well actually I don't know much about Bollywood either.But at least she didn't call him Bandar instead of Bandeer. XD Acha, sorry, that was stupad.
    Haha or they would say 'khikhikhi'. Aahahhahaha that clap! 😛 I can imagine.
    Does drive like a girl mean drive slow? 😮
    Gaaah I'm not the only one who doesn't get iPhone.Hi5 yaar!
    Okay okay okay haha sorry but when you said chilli powder Idky my brain thought chilli powder because cat food doesn't look tasty? Why would I think like that? I really don't know. XD

    1. Ameeeeen. Am I right about iphone doe? Sucks! Aye drive like a girl meana apologise to speed bumps for hurting them lol. I don’t know what the chilli is supposed to achieve you know. I don’t think they mind it. These must be indian cats 😂

  4. lmao she is too funny, now i know where you got your fun genes from ! those sympathies for Shahrukh Khan my God,only if he knew.. love the kikiki part and not showing the teeth , my Grandmother was telling us the same when we were teenagers 😀 and best was her story of marriage how she chose 😀

      1. May Allah bless her with a long life and good health and you keep giving us other such hit posts 🙂 wow, that’s a compliment Tam , I am more than happy if I could inspire you for something ! you are welcome :-*

  5. I love your nani she sounds alot like my dadi. I’m glad my gran isn’t the only one that feds the cats but at the same times tries to get rid of them, like made up your made you want them to stay or go.

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