Me: Here’s the plan, Ima save up, quit my job and live in India for 3 months.
Me: Yes, I’m 30, I decide.
Me: Good talk, Ma.
With Little Sis
Me: Why didn’t you tell me you had a crush? You can talk to me.
Her: *indignant* you don’t tell me who you like!!
Me: Because I don’t like anyone right now.
Her: Didi, that’s kind of sad, you’re 30.
Me: You’re grounded for having a crush.
With (pious) Friend
Me: Someone told me I was the most Halal person they know, can you imag…
Me: Did you just laugh?
Her: Tam, come ON.
With same Friend
Me: *post Focus high* I feel like kissing Will Smith would be like tasting the rainbow.
Friend: What was that about being halal?
With 6 year old cousin
Her: Tam, you’re very small, your legs are only five fingers long. Look 1,2,3…
Me: *genuinely alarmed* Wait what? I demand a recount. Get back here!
Me: *takes DNA Ancestry test to confirm Indian roots she is oh so proud of*
Also Me: Fam, wtf is in this curry, fire?!
With Random person 1
Them: Can I call you?
Me: Sorry don’t do phone calls.
Them: Sure I can’t convince you?
Me: Never. I’m very stubborn.
*3 days later – Ring, ring*
With Random Person 2
Them: Tam you’re so funny. How are you still single?
Me: I don’t even know fam, this Dunya’s too peak, I’m so hilarious, I make myself laugh.
On Tam being a Flirt
(Read: alleged flirt)
Coy Waiter: I know you wanted us to play Happy Birthday when we bring the cake out but the music system is not working so you might have to sing it instead?
Me: I mean, I’ll sing if you sing with me?
Ma: Tam, would you like your father and I to move to another table whilst you harass the too young for you waiter?
Me: What I do?!
Random waiter trying coax customers into his restaurant addresses me as I walk past;
Him: Come here, I want to tell you something.
Me: If you wanna tell me something, you come to me.
Friend: Tam, please.
Me to cashier: Wait, I don’t think you scanned this item.
Him: Ah, how is she so honest? Impressive.
Me: I teach my kids that honesty is always rewarded. So, she takes this one for free, yes? As a reward?
Him: I’ll do her one better, she can have it on him.
Glaring Friend: Wow.
Me: *shamed into silence*