…on a school night i.e. a work night and I am wide awake, despite waking up early this morning for work and coming back home exhausted.
Why am I awake at daft o’clock? Frustration. With my self, with my life, with pretty much everything. I am so done with my work life. I have lost the love for it last year (way beyond that if we’re being completely honest) and had a long battle of whether to leave the job or not.
In the end, I decided to fight for a better position to get more money which in the end wasn’t even that much but either way I don’t feel as fulfilled as I thought I would be for resolving the finance side of things. I appreciate the extra money and I would not pick the alternative but…
I get so pissed at myself sometimes. I turn to myself in my head and say; what the hell do you want from me? I did everything. I do everything I know how to do (that simultaneously does not throw my anxiety of unfamiliar things into a tornado) in order to get out of this rut and yet here I am.
I work, I self published a book for crying out loud (it’s not doing so great btw). I wrote twenty–seven chapters of a story that I thought off myself. I take photos more than ever and post them practically everywhere.
But nothing happens nothing becomes of any of that. Don’t tell me these things take time because I have been at it for time and I am almost 30. In my culture that’s grandmaesque.
What am I going to do with my life? When is it going to be something more than this? When something changes is the monotonous answer a therapist would give me. Because that is their go to response for everything. But if you read above, you will see evidence that I have been implementing a lot of change into my life.
I know I am blessed of course I do. I probably have 90% of what 90% of the world doesn’t have -which makes me plenty privileged- and I feel guilty and conflicted for feeling all of the above. Part of me thinks just shush and get on with it. The other part of course says no; I can’t die after doing only this. I cannot be remembered as the girl who woke up went to work, was barely memorable and died.
I don’t know why I am writing this. It is not an audition to win your emotion, presuming you read this far, for best sob story. But I am potentially facing the worst day tomorrow judging by the timetable of things I gotta do that I got emailed a few hours ago. I don’t like having work shoved onto me by people who are masters of delegation, people that bleed you dry and still deem your efforts unworthy. And I…
I’m that coldplay song right now; spider web and I’m caught in the middle.