So, my daily blogging, that soon turned into weekly blogging, has now become fortnightly blogging. What is up with that? I blogged for day 1, day 7, fully intending to then blog for day 14 but whaddya know it is day 21 and here we are.
Minor doe, these things happen.
I hope all your Ramadans are going swimmingly well inshallah. Mine is going aight alhamdulilah. Something feels missing though and I can’t put my finger on what.
For the most part I have been good. I’m keeping up with my reading of the Quraan- compared to previous years when I would fall behind. My salah is slower and more focused. Astagfurallah I am flopping in terms of making it for fajr on time. I am that human who sleeps through 4 alarms but wake up for the 5th one which is there to wake me up for work.
I don’t even know what that says about me as a person. May Allah guide and forgive. Maybe that is why I am feeling so down. Part of me wishes I wasn’t working for the whole of Ramadan so I can stay up and worship without feeling like I need to go to bed so I can wake up to work on time.
Another part of me is relieved that I am working during Ramadan as this helps pass the time. In fact, despite the 19.5 hour fast, I have felt that fasting has been Alhamdulilah pretty easy this year. Bar the weekend when I literally feel zombified with all the free time…
Except it is not really free time as I have deadlines hovering atop my head like a black cloud. I have timed signing up for a course very poorly in that I did not account for how stressful I would find it to meet deadlines in Ramadan. I am sure there are millions of students who have to do it so I have no grounds to complain, huh?
To sum up this weird and self centred rant that has done nothing to enrich your reading experience (for which I apologise, but not that much coz you are still reading so clearly you are getting something from it) …
– I am feeling slightly empty inside. My life feels devoid of emotion, but more importantly devoid of purpose. You know how people have dreams and ambitions? I have none. I have tried and tried to think of what I want to do with my life but I am coming up with nada. I am very good at my job Alhamdulilah. But I don’t know if it enriches my soul.
When people hear this they tell me to go and chase my dreams. But if I don’t know what they are, which direction am I supposed to start running? Then of course I feel guilty for feeling any of this stuff at all coz well, people are dying and starving all over the world and here’s me with my first world problems like sob-sob.
Anyway, spare a prayer for little ole me during the last 10 days. God knows I am in need of some clarity in my life. I wish this post could have been more positive especially that I have been granted the honour of seeing the last 10 days when so many others have lost their lives before getting to this point. But, it is what it is hey?
Ironically, this time last year I was urging everyone to stay bright. Subhanallah how times change.